Take The Dollar Leave The Pizza!

During my high school years I worked at a pizza chain, I will just call it Pizza Stop (PS) to keep things anonymous.

When a customer calls PS to complain about their pizza they are given three options:

1. Remake the pizza and send it back out

2. A credit in the system so their next pizza will be free

3. A full refund of their money

I am sure you already know most everyone chooses option 2. Why you ask? Well because 9 times out of 10 you’re hungry as hell and the pizza is still edible, you’re not going to wait another hour for a fresh correct pizza and let’s just be honest, your kids or your friends have already ate half of it. The refund is not an option because that would require you to drive down to the store and who wants to leave their house? Isn’t that why you ordered a pizza in the first place?

Credits are the most popular option. On a busy Friday night you can get a lot of people calling back in for credits and each time you need a manager to come over and type in the credit. It only takes about 12 times in one night of interrupting a busy manager for them to just show you how to enter a credit. This was, by far, not a good thing to show a young high school kid with questionable ethics.

The abuse begins!

Carry out orders is where it all started, see at PS everything is linked to the phone number, so to get a free pizza on my day off all I had to do was enter a credit under a friends phone number, call PS and order my pizza, drive down and pick it up. The only issue was I worked there and I couldn’t just walk in and grab a free pizza. This is where my friend Sam (fake name) came in, Sam had just as shady ethics as I did so it only took about 5 seconds to convince him to walk in and grab the pizza.

The plan worked perfectly! We kept getting free pizzas about three times a week, I would use different phone numbers so nobody would get suspicious until one of the managers started to realize that whenever Sam walked in the door his pizza was free, this is how the last convo went:

Manager: Can I help you?

Sam: Yeah I had a pizza under Johnson

Manager: Ok, let me look here, oh yeah, Large 3 topping?

Sam: Yep

Manager: Ok, [walking over to the computer] looks like that is going to be....oh….wait it’s free…looks like you had a credit?

Sam: Yep

Manger: Hey wait a minute, how come every time you come in here your pizza is free?

Sam: Well you guys keep screwing it up. (Sam was, and still is, a total smart ass)

Manager: I don’t think so; you’re not getting any more free pizza, now get out of here.

That little incident put an end to our carryout free pizzas, but we were smart kids so we just needed to refine our strategy.

We had lots of friends that didn’t mind getting free pizza, so I would enter a credit under a friend’s phone number. Then we would drive over to their house after school, smoke weed, and order a pizza. We had it down to a science, the most you could give a credit for was $20.00 and if you only ordered $12.00 worth of pizza the other $8.00 was just wasted. To avoid wasting money, I spent a few minutes calculating the perfect order, large 3 topping, breadsticks, and wings was exactly $20.35 it was better to go over than under, after paying the driver a tip and the .35 cents we would get our pizza for $2.35. Just so you know how poor we were in high school we would fight over whose turn it was to pay the $2.35.

Things quickly started getting out of control; I actually took the student directory into PS and entered credits under every phone number of the kids I knew. When asked, I told the manager I was looking for people to pick up my shift.

More often than not, after school we would sit in my white Chevy and look through the student directory trying to find one of our friends that we hadn’t used their credit yet. Looking back I think it went something like this:

Bailey?

No we went to his house like two weeks ago

Bond?

No

Davidson?

No

Goodsen?

Nope

Higley?

Do you really wanna hang out with Higley?

Yeah, good point,

Owen?

Yeah! Owen, then we would drive straight to their house unannounced, “Dude, Owen, you got a credit man!” We said that line usually after we were already half way into their house and on the phone with PS.

I am still surprised that the delivery drivers didn’t put two and two together and realize each time they had a free pizza delivery there was my white Chevy in the driveway.

The Last Free Pizza

One day, we (Sam, Tom, and Me) were at Sam’s house and had just finished smoking weed and somebody had a great idea to order a pizza. I told Sam, “Dude I just put a credit on your phone number last night” We jumped to the phone and ordered a large 3 topping, breadsticks and wings, total was .35. We hung up the phone and were happy as hell; we smoked another bowl and waited for our pizza to show up. Then Sam started thinking and said, “Who is going to answer the door?” Our jaws dropped with despair because Sam could not answer the door because everyone knew him at PS and he was banned from free pizza for life. Tom and I both worked there so we couldn’t answer the door. So there we were, totally stoned, pizza on the way and no way to receive it.

After about 10 minutes, Sam thought up a plan, he gets a dollar (that is all the $ we had) and places it under a small rock right outside the front door. Then he walked up stairs and opened the window, and then he told me to disguise my voice and when the pizza guy shows up tell him, out the window, that you just got out of the shower and to leave the pizza. We all high five each other at our new full proof plan and smoked another bowl, of course.

About five minutes later the doorbell rang, I looked at Tom with a stage frightened expression on my face, we both started laughing our guts out, then Sam started laughing as well and none of us could stop laughing long enough to say anything out the window. We had to be quiet because the window was open and we didn’t want him to hear us laughing, it was that painful, uncontrollable laughter, and trying to be quiet at the same time, it was complete torture. The doorbell rang again and I started to panic because I knew if I did not get myself together we would not get our pizza. It seemed like 4 hours went by with us just rolling on the floor laughing in convulsions before Sam gained enough composure to yell in a dirty, raspy, voice, “TAKE THE DOLLAR LEAVE THE PIZZA!” After hearing that we went right back to laughing and rolling on the floor uncontrollably. We heard the driver pull out the pizza and set it on the ground; he took the dollar and started walking back toward his car, (right past my white Chevy) then Sam gets up to the window to see if he was gone and yells, “KEEP THE CHANGE!” The driver flipped him off and gets back into his car.

I told you, Sam is, and always will be, a total smart ass.

EDIT: I decided this post would make more sense if I included some audio of how it actually sounded when Sam yelled out to the delivery driver, enjoy.

Whenever my friends and I talk about this story we always wonder what the driver was thinking, I mean how often does a driver drop off a pizza and a voice from the window yells, in a deep voice, “Take the dollar leave the pizza!” Like why can’t you just open the door? And who puts a little pebble on top of a dollar in front of their door? To this day whenever I see Tom or Sam and one of us says, “Take the dollar leave the pizza!” we start laughing just as hard as we did on that day over 10 years ago.

Tyse

James Spader, Man Crush?

Every guy has one person or actor from their childhood who is their idol. This person usually takes on one of two different forms. A. The strong hero type, e.g. Rocky, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal or B. The super cool guy, e.g. Fonzy, Johnny Depp, George Clooney. Well none of the above examples are my childhood idol if that is what you're wondering, my childhood idol is, James Spader! Now I know what you're thinking, "James Spader, what the hell? That dude is not cool like Owen Wilson" Calm down and let me explain, when I say James Spader I am not talking about this lame ass:

I don't even know what the character's name is that James Spader plays here and I do not want to know, I do not remember James Spader like that.

I remember James Spader like this:
Yes, this is my childhood idol and ultimate bad ass Steff!

Please forgive the fact that in this picture it looks like Steff just sacrificed two small animals and is about to give Ted Bundy a run for his money but what do you expect with screen captures from YouTube?, it's the best I could do. Now, if you're thinking, "Isn't that the guy from Pretty in Pink?" you're correct. However it does not matter if you think Pretty in Pink was a good show or not, you cannot deny that Steff is one bad ass mother fucker.

I am an analytical person, and I have been very analytical on this blog so let me use my skills to help explain further for all you people out there that cannot immediately see where I am coming from.
Lets look at Exhibit A:
1. How many people can wear sunglasses like that and still be that kick ass?
2. How long is that freakin` cigarette? Is it a Virginia Slim 230? Which just proves my point even further, he can smoke women's cigarettes and still be a total bad ass.
3. He is in high school with a sport coat on, what else do you want?
4. There really is not a name for this hairstyle, it's not a mullet, it's not really long, it's not really short. The name I prefer is Awesome! I remember one time, when I was younger and had more hair, I went to the salon and they asked me how I wanted my haircut? I replied, "Just cut it so it looks Awesome" 30 mins later I was walked out with my hair cut just like Steff's.

Exhibit B: The Name "Steff"

While trying to find pics of Steff online I looked on IMDB and other sites and the correct spelling is with two ff's. Now without seeing the character and just going strictly off the name it may seem a little gay, like maybe a girls name. But put the name to a face and all of a sudden you have a very bad ass name. I am not going to get into how all the names are jacked up in Pretty in Pink like, Steff, Duckie, Blaine, and Andie. But seriously, in my high school, show up with a name like Steff and you're going to get your ass kicked unless you're wearing a suit, have perfect hair, and smoke Misty's.

Exhibit C: The leisure Suit
This scene is by far my favorite from the entire movie. Once again Steff is smoking a pencil long cigarette and wearing a full on suit in high school. How does he get away with smoking in high school? Because he is Steff, that's why, what are you going to do? He has a freakin suit on!

Exhibit D: Only a few puffs for Steff

When you're this cool and this rich you only need a few puffs from a cigarette before it's time to put it out. And when you put it out do you use an ash tray? Hell No, you're in high school there are no ash trays, besides you're Steff, and you have a freaking SUIT ON. You just step on it. Don't even ask how he gets away with this, he is Steff, what do you expect?


Exhibit E: Shoulder Pads
Surprise!! Shoulder pads...Yes, I know you can't believe it, how did he pull it off? I just found out last night when I was getting these screen shots from You Tube. Here is what went through my mind, "Holy shit.....are those really shoulder pads? (pause for a few moments for it to set in) well it makes sense, if anyone could pull it off it would be Steff, you just never stop exceeding my expectations Steff, love ya buddy"

Exhibit F: Loafers and NO SOCKS!!!

Yes I did save the best for last, now if you're a fan of Pretty in Pink I bet you know what is going to happen next in this scene but for those who don't, Steff is about to get into a little tiff with Duckie. I wish I could transport myself into the movie so I could give Duckie a bit of advice before he tackles Steff. I think this is how the convo would go:

Duckie: That son of a bitch, talking like that about Andie
Me: Dude, Duckie, chill you don't want to mess with Steff, he is way cooler than you.
Duckie: I don't care man, I am going to kick his ass
Me: Duckie, come on, pull your head out of your ass, he is wearing a freaking SUIT, in high school.
Duckie: Andie doesn't deserve this
Me: Have you seen how long his cigarettes are? He doesn't' even finish them, he just puts them out on the floor and nobody cares.
Duckie: Really?
Me: Yeah, and have you seen his sunglasses?
Duckie: I don't care man, this is my chance I am going to tackle him.....
Me: Dude, wait, Just wait one second, I didn't want to tell you this but he is wearing loafers and no socks, NO SOCKS MAN! What are you going to do? You can't compete with that, loafers and no socks, what else do you want?
Duckie: Oh yeah, you're right, he is too cool for me.

I would like to think our convo would have avoided this:

I know this is a total shit pic but if you look close you can see toward the top middle of the pic Steff with loafers and no SOCKS!!

Even after he gets taken to the ground Steff gets back up and is still totally cool:

"Are you serious? Did you really just tackle me? What part of Suit and loafers with no socks did you not see? Do I have to show you my cigarettes? This is ridiculous!"

This pic is either right before or right after he spits on the floor right in front of the principal. He just spits on the floor in front of the principal, I mean what is the principal going to do? It's Steff, he just got through putting out a Virginia Slim not even 20 feet away, did I forget to mention he has a fucking suit on! In high school!

Hopefully now you can see why Steff is the coolest guy ever! And if not, just set this bad boy profile pic to your desktop wallpaper and it will come to you, I promise.

Tyse

Sorry

I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I have updated my blog. I really do not have any excuses and I am not going to try and list some lame reasons why I haven't updated my blog: New job, graduation, family drama, time, lazy, company in town. 

I am working on a new blog but I cannot say anything about it because it has to remain 100% anonymous. So I am confused as to how I am suppose to let people know of my new blog without telling them on this blog??

Whatever