21 Means 21, well sorta.

Remember that scene from Zoolander where Derek keeps doing the same look over and over and Will Ferrell says something like, "It's the same look.....I feel like I am taking crazy pills." Well sometimes I feel this same way, actually a lot of times I feel this way. However, I don't verbalize my frustrations as much as I used to, I think this comes from two things. 1. Just the plain realization that some people are total idiots and always will be. 2. Maturity that by voicing your opinion you can isolate people. So let this be a warning to anyone that likes Coors Light to stop reading now, but seriously enough is enough with this Coors Light shit, I can't take it anymore, am I the only one that is not getting something here?

Coors Light Bullshit PR!

From the Coors Light Website:

Throughout our 130-year history, Coors Brewing Company has led the industry in innovation. Today Coors holds more than 115 patents. http://www.coors.com/about_innovations.asp

Ok, whatever, your a very innovative company, I get that. Here is the next little PR junk:

We are focused on helping parents because several recent studies have shown that parents are the most valuable influence on their children's decision to drink or not; and teens predominantly get alcohol from their own parents, their friends' parents and older siblings. http://www.coors.com/part_resp_prev_youth.asp

They go on to talk about MVParents.com and how they give a free brochure (and it's even available in Spanish, like anyone with access to Corona, or Tecate is going to have anything to do with Coors Light) on how to talk to your kids about not drinking until they are 21.

Wow Coors is just an awesome, responsible company! They are so dedicated to preventing underage drinking they even have a nice logo on their website, it looks like this:


But before I could get to this image I had to prove I was 21 through this very high tech verification tool. Here is what it looked like:


It makes me feel better to know that Coors is out there working hard to make sure underage kids are not looking at their website and getting drunk from looking at their site.

This is where I start to go a little, "Are you serious?" Is there anyone out there that is under 21 and gets this pop-up screen and is just like, "Oh shucks, darn, I really wanted to look at that site and then go rob my parents for beer money and become a total alcoholic, looks like I am going to have to wait a few years because 21 means 21, that good ol' Coors stopped me again."

The best part is once you get inside the Coors Light site you will see this little gem:


Now I wonder what the prime age demographic for Myspace users is? Let's see:



http://www.quantcast.com/myspace.com

Now calm down, don't go freaking out thinking that underage kids are jumping on the Coors Light My Space page. Our awesome Coors company wouldn't let that happen, of course they have a rock solid security tool to prevent this, here is what it looks like:

See, I told you, and this one is even better than the one on their site because it has drop down menus. And drop downs are full proof, plus it asks for your state. I really have no idea what the state is all about. After putting in my age (01/01/1901) I was taken to the Coors Light My Space page. I couldn't really do much because I wasn't a friend or something, I don't have a My Space, mainly because I am not cool enough to have a My Space, a MAC, an iPhone, an iPod, or drink Coors Light. However, I was able to see the friends of Coors Light page, this one was my favorite one:

"Hey how the hell did you get in here!, Are you some kind of genius child computer hacker? How did you crack the security?"

Coors Light Pointless Product Innovation

This is what really got me started on this whole Coors Light thing. The Coors Light Vented Can:

Here is the marketing pitch:
With an opening that's 8 percent wider than before — and 27 percent wider than other domestic beers. Really? Was the opening not wide enough already? How big is the human mouth? Is this can for getting sharks drunk? “One Wide Mouth Can plus 12 fluid ounces of cold Coors Light equals wide-open refreshment. Crack one open and do the math”

See the vent on the side of the opening lets air in, so you get a smooth pour. Last I checked the concept of innovation is to solve a problem or make something more efficient. Was there a problem with people not getting a smooth pour from their beer cans? Are there people out there not finishing their beer because it just doesn't come out of the can smooth? No, that wasn't the problem, the problem is Coors Light tastes like shit! And when you're in high school all you can afford is shitty Coors Light. Therefore, you want to drink it as fast as you can so you don't have to taste it. It's the same concept as shotgunning a beer, now it's been awhile since I have shotgunned a beer (before I was 21 I am sure) but the main idea is to hold a can of gross beer A.K.A Coors Light upside down and poke a small hole in the bottom, then put your mouth over the hole and open the beer. The air will shoot in (through the Vent) and force the beer down your throat effectively bypassing your taste buds.

I really don't know anyone who drinks Coors Light, I am proud of this fact actually. I used to have a friend that drank Coors Light however, our friendship came to an end after this fact came to light: "Waitress, can I get a Coors Light? .....Hey Tyse where are you going?....What's Wrong?....Hey how am I going to get home!?!"

I also don't know anyone who shotguns beers on a regular basis. I think this is due to the fact that I really don't hang out with anyone under 21. I wanted to find out if this vent thing really worked and I am not going to drink Coors Light. I did some research on the net to see if anyone out there is really enjoying this new can and is over 21, this is what I found:

So when I saw the new ads for the Coors Light “Vented Wide Mouth Can” and found out today is “Venting Day” I was skeptical. So skeptical, that I decided to put the vent to the test. After about 72 OZs of vented Coors Light, I have absolutely no idea what the vent is for. The ad says it “lets air in”… ok, how does that get me drunker? http://www.livemanly.com/?p=842

Now I do believe this person is over 21, but probably not the sharpest pencil in the box. I love how it took him 72 OZ or 6 beers to reach his conclusion. See he can see through the Coors Light bullshit and knows this vent is suppose to get me drunker somehow, but I can't put my finger on it.

Next up, The Coors Light Cooler Box
Plastic Bottle Cooler Box: Announced in April, 2005, the innovative Coors Light 18-pack plastic bottle cooler box is the industry's first ice-ready plastic bottle package. Break-proof 16-ounce plastic bottles mean that consumers can now take beer where glass isn't allowed ok, that actually happened with the plastic bottle, not the cooler box., such as the pool or the beach. Or your bedroom in your parents house.



If anyone reading this blog sees me with a Coors Light Cooler Box at the pool or the beach please just kick my ass. You don't need to say anything, just walk up to me and start beating me down. You could mention this post as you're walking away, hopefully this will trigger the following thought, "Wow that was weird that dude just starting hitting me like that, I wonder why?......oh yeah.....cooler box.....damn, I am such a tool."

Coors Light Cold Activated Bottle.



Again we have another product innovation that solves a problem that doesn't exist. The idea is that once the mountains turn blue then your beer is, "As Cold As The Rockies." Here is another "I feel like I am taking crazy pills moment." What did we do before we had the cold activated bottle? Oh yeah, same thing I do with all my beverages, I use my freakin` hand! The hand actually works very well. I just have to hold the beer for a few seconds in my hand, then I use my brain to determine if it's cold or not. The hand or the brain hasn't let me down yet, no cold decisions have been wrong with a warm beer in my mouth when my hand said it was cold.

I mean how does these stupid ideas keep coming up? I would love to have been at the Coors executive board meeting where the Cold Activated Bottle was pitched:

CEO: Well guys, our numbers are down once again, which is very surprising since my Coors Cooler Box Idea, does anyone have any ideas to turn these numbers around? Brew Master Gary, do you have any ideas?
Brew Master Gary: Well maybe we should stop spending money on stupid container ideas and make our shitty beer taste better?
CEO: Gary, you are not being productive, our beer taste fine.
B.M. Gary: Well when was the last time you had a Coors Light?
CEO: I haven't drank Coors Light since high school.
B.M. Gary: I rest my case
CEO: Does anyone else have any ideas? Anyone? Well I have one, what about a bottle that turns blue when it gets cold? People will no longer wonder if their beer is cold or not, they can just look at the bottle and it will tell them.
VP Anne: Well why wouldn't they just use their hand?
CEO: Anne, you're fired!
CEO: Any other objections? Ok, then lets start production ASAP

I think I can predict the next Coors Light Product Innovation, I think it will look something like this:


However this is just a prototype, the actual product will have a Coors Light Cold Activated Bottle.

Tyse