Spurs are gone!!! YES!!

The Spurs are now out of the playoffs. This makes me very happy, the Spurs are so boring to watch, they don't do anything besides play defense. People think Kobe is arrogant, well I don't think he is half as arrogant as Tony Parker. Now lets see, what makes Tony Parker arrogant? Oh yeah, he is from France, and has had a lot of experience being an arrogant ass. Now I know that is not fair for me to just lump everyone from France as being arrogant. I mean I haven't actually met anyone from France, but I am a typical American therefore, every Muslim is a terrorist and everyone from France is arrogant.

I wasn't surprised at all when the Spurs lost to the Lakers, I mean they really didn't even have a chance when one of the main stars from the Lakers is actually a terrorist. Oh, you don't believe me? Well take a look at this:


I bet you still think that is a basketball in his hands right? Wrong! It's a bomb and he is trying to get rid of it if you couldn't tell from the crazy look in his eyes. You still need more proof? Here is another pic, I think he was trying to blow up a hair salon, I think this guy hates having his haircut almost as bad as I do:



I feel bad for the Spurs a little bit, I mean what are you going to do when the other team has an outright terrorist on their team that likes to throw homemade basketball bombs around. But not all of the intimidation was on the Lakers side of the ball, the Spurs have this man as their head coach:



This is Gregg Popovich, or AKA Stalin. This dude has to be one of the most intimidating people on the planet. I bet he could just murder you one minute and finish his breakfast the next, just look at his background:

He graduated in 1970 from the United States Air Force Academy. He played basketball for four seasons at the Academy. He graduated with his bachelors degree in Soviet Studies, and he underwent espionage training. He even considered a career with the Central Intelligence Agency.

So this dude was training to be a spy for the CIA in Russia, and now he is a coach? Seems like there might be more to the story that what is on the surface. Maybe he is really a Russian Spy? And trying to be a US Spy is the perfect cover:
CIA Agent: Hey Popovich, are you a spy for Russia?
Popovich: Are you serious? sarcastically Yeah Tom, I went to the Academy and studied about Russia and then went through espionage training and now I am a spy for Russia. Duh Tom, don't be an idiot.

So this dude speaks Russian fluent, I wonder if that helps him when he coaches players. Like if Tony Parker is being an arrogant ass and won't listen to Popovich, I bet he just says some shit in Russian and throws in a Parker hear and there and it snaps him back in line:

Parker: Screw you coach, I am not going to practice today, I am going to sip espresso shots and eat a danish while I talk sheeit about Bush.
Popovich: Pulls out cell phone "Stoickhina oas kisna kill la Parker Tony esingoch sifsidchich"
Parker: Hey coach, I am sorry, I will get ready for practice now.


Tyse

Is anything worse than a graduation?

I guess it's graduation season, this has been the first year that I haven't had to attend or participate in a graduation of some sort. I am very happy for this, I think of all the obligated social activities graduations are the worst. Here is my list of hated, obligated, social activities. In order of hatred:

1. Graduations
2. Weddings
3. Funerals
4. Company Christmas Parties
5. Church Functions

There are several reasons why graduations suck so bad, first of all it's the one event that doesn't really do anything for anyone but the one that is graduating. At weddings and funerals at least you know you're going to get some food out of the whole deal. It might only be a sacrament cup full of peanuts and mints with some slush to wash it down but at least it's something. Graduations you sit on your ass for 3 hours, give the graduate a gift or $ and walk out just happy it's over.

The Bagpipes at the Westminster Graduation.


What is with Bagpipes? 5 cent bubble gum and Bagpipes bring about 20 seconds of enjoyment to my life. However, one small difference is with the gum I feel like spitting it out after 20 seconds and with the bagpipes I feel like taking my own life after 20 seconds.

This is a breakdown of my thoughts during the bagpipe session:
1 sec - 3 sec = Oh cool bagpipes
3 sec - 5 sec = I love bagpipes, they are Irish or Scottish, wait are they Irish or Scottish? Am I Scottish or Irish? I can't remember.....
5 sec - 10sec = I bet those are hard to play
10sec - 14 sec = If I played the bagpipes I wouldn't wear anything under my kilt.
14sec - 16 sec = Okay, those are getting kinda loud are they gonna play those bagpipes the entire time it takes those people to walk off the stage?

16sec- 17sec = Oh shit, they are going to play those the entire time, I remember from the last graduation.
17sec - 18sec = Enough already with the damn bag pipes!! Do you have a different song or a different tune? Why is it the same damn tune over and over and over, this is driving me crazy. I need to get out of here, where is the exit or a knife?
18sec - 20sec = God I hate bagpipes, who invented these stupid things? The Irish? Am I Irish? Hey, Mom, Am I Irish?.....I am, oh great, I hate my own people now.

Graduations are like Space Mountain at Disney Land on the busiest day of the year. You wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. Then the person goes across the stage and their name is read, and you yell and scream along with everyone else you're with, they take their picture shaking somebodies hand they have never met. The whole thing takes like 10 seconds just like Space Mountain, but unlike Space Mtn. once the event is over you get rewarded with MORE WAITING.

When I open U of T (University of Tyse) we will do graduations a little different, first of all, no bagpipes. Second, when you (The Graduate) show up at the graduation event you will be given a number and a free Popsicle, because I like Popsicles and it's usually hot during graduation season, you then give this number to your friends and family. When we get within 10 or 20 of your number your guests can come in, watch you for 10 seconds, and then go back out and wait for your ass in the lobby where fresh beer (Not Coors Light) and pizza will be served.


Tyse

The Big Pony Polo

I found a letter the other day while searching the internet, I thought I would post it here, enjoy........

December, 12 2007

Dear Ralph Lauren,

I have been wearing polo shirts everyday for the last 10 years, I love these shirts, they feel so good when I am playing badminton and frisbee in the park with my buddies. I also love to wear polo sunglasses when I drive my Mazda Miata with the top down. I have enclosed a picture of me in my favorite polo shirt for your reference:


I have one request for the Polo Logo on your shirts, see I spend a lot of money to make sure I have a little pony on my chest, it makes me feel better about myself and better than everyone else. However, there are a lot of knock off brands that also use a small insignia on the chest of their shirts and I am sick of being associated with these knock off and inferior brands. I think a good idea would be to increase the size of the Polo Pony by about 5000, this way everyone would know that I was wearing Polo and they wouldn't confuse my shirt with other brands. I also think this will help my self esteem because people that don't really pay attention to what I am wearing will notice a huge ass pony across my chest. I hope you don't think I am being pretentious here and just know that I am pretentious and a marketing tool.

Sincerely,

Sebastian AKA Tool


Six months later..........


Tyse

21 Means 21, well sorta.

Remember that scene from Zoolander where Derek keeps doing the same look over and over and Will Ferrell says something like, "It's the same look.....I feel like I am taking crazy pills." Well sometimes I feel this same way, actually a lot of times I feel this way. However, I don't verbalize my frustrations as much as I used to, I think this comes from two things. 1. Just the plain realization that some people are total idiots and always will be. 2. Maturity that by voicing your opinion you can isolate people. So let this be a warning to anyone that likes Coors Light to stop reading now, but seriously enough is enough with this Coors Light shit, I can't take it anymore, am I the only one that is not getting something here?

Coors Light Bullshit PR!

From the Coors Light Website:

Throughout our 130-year history, Coors Brewing Company has led the industry in innovation. Today Coors holds more than 115 patents. http://www.coors.com/about_innovations.asp

Ok, whatever, your a very innovative company, I get that. Here is the next little PR junk:

We are focused on helping parents because several recent studies have shown that parents are the most valuable influence on their children's decision to drink or not; and teens predominantly get alcohol from their own parents, their friends' parents and older siblings. http://www.coors.com/part_resp_prev_youth.asp

They go on to talk about MVParents.com and how they give a free brochure (and it's even available in Spanish, like anyone with access to Corona, or Tecate is going to have anything to do with Coors Light) on how to talk to your kids about not drinking until they are 21.

Wow Coors is just an awesome, responsible company! They are so dedicated to preventing underage drinking they even have a nice logo on their website, it looks like this:


But before I could get to this image I had to prove I was 21 through this very high tech verification tool. Here is what it looked like:


It makes me feel better to know that Coors is out there working hard to make sure underage kids are not looking at their website and getting drunk from looking at their site.

This is where I start to go a little, "Are you serious?" Is there anyone out there that is under 21 and gets this pop-up screen and is just like, "Oh shucks, darn, I really wanted to look at that site and then go rob my parents for beer money and become a total alcoholic, looks like I am going to have to wait a few years because 21 means 21, that good ol' Coors stopped me again."

The best part is once you get inside the Coors Light site you will see this little gem:


Now I wonder what the prime age demographic for Myspace users is? Let's see:



http://www.quantcast.com/myspace.com

Now calm down, don't go freaking out thinking that underage kids are jumping on the Coors Light My Space page. Our awesome Coors company wouldn't let that happen, of course they have a rock solid security tool to prevent this, here is what it looks like:

See, I told you, and this one is even better than the one on their site because it has drop down menus. And drop downs are full proof, plus it asks for your state. I really have no idea what the state is all about. After putting in my age (01/01/1901) I was taken to the Coors Light My Space page. I couldn't really do much because I wasn't a friend or something, I don't have a My Space, mainly because I am not cool enough to have a My Space, a MAC, an iPhone, an iPod, or drink Coors Light. However, I was able to see the friends of Coors Light page, this one was my favorite one:

"Hey how the hell did you get in here!, Are you some kind of genius child computer hacker? How did you crack the security?"

Coors Light Pointless Product Innovation

This is what really got me started on this whole Coors Light thing. The Coors Light Vented Can:

Here is the marketing pitch:
With an opening that's 8 percent wider than before — and 27 percent wider than other domestic beers. Really? Was the opening not wide enough already? How big is the human mouth? Is this can for getting sharks drunk? “One Wide Mouth Can plus 12 fluid ounces of cold Coors Light equals wide-open refreshment. Crack one open and do the math”

See the vent on the side of the opening lets air in, so you get a smooth pour. Last I checked the concept of innovation is to solve a problem or make something more efficient. Was there a problem with people not getting a smooth pour from their beer cans? Are there people out there not finishing their beer because it just doesn't come out of the can smooth? No, that wasn't the problem, the problem is Coors Light tastes like shit! And when you're in high school all you can afford is shitty Coors Light. Therefore, you want to drink it as fast as you can so you don't have to taste it. It's the same concept as shotgunning a beer, now it's been awhile since I have shotgunned a beer (before I was 21 I am sure) but the main idea is to hold a can of gross beer A.K.A Coors Light upside down and poke a small hole in the bottom, then put your mouth over the hole and open the beer. The air will shoot in (through the Vent) and force the beer down your throat effectively bypassing your taste buds.

I really don't know anyone who drinks Coors Light, I am proud of this fact actually. I used to have a friend that drank Coors Light however, our friendship came to an end after this fact came to light: "Waitress, can I get a Coors Light? .....Hey Tyse where are you going?....What's Wrong?....Hey how am I going to get home!?!"

I also don't know anyone who shotguns beers on a regular basis. I think this is due to the fact that I really don't hang out with anyone under 21. I wanted to find out if this vent thing really worked and I am not going to drink Coors Light. I did some research on the net to see if anyone out there is really enjoying this new can and is over 21, this is what I found:

So when I saw the new ads for the Coors Light “Vented Wide Mouth Can” and found out today is “Venting Day” I was skeptical. So skeptical, that I decided to put the vent to the test. After about 72 OZs of vented Coors Light, I have absolutely no idea what the vent is for. The ad says it “lets air in”… ok, how does that get me drunker? http://www.livemanly.com/?p=842

Now I do believe this person is over 21, but probably not the sharpest pencil in the box. I love how it took him 72 OZ or 6 beers to reach his conclusion. See he can see through the Coors Light bullshit and knows this vent is suppose to get me drunker somehow, but I can't put my finger on it.

Next up, The Coors Light Cooler Box
Plastic Bottle Cooler Box: Announced in April, 2005, the innovative Coors Light 18-pack plastic bottle cooler box is the industry's first ice-ready plastic bottle package. Break-proof 16-ounce plastic bottles mean that consumers can now take beer where glass isn't allowed ok, that actually happened with the plastic bottle, not the cooler box., such as the pool or the beach. Or your bedroom in your parents house.



If anyone reading this blog sees me with a Coors Light Cooler Box at the pool or the beach please just kick my ass. You don't need to say anything, just walk up to me and start beating me down. You could mention this post as you're walking away, hopefully this will trigger the following thought, "Wow that was weird that dude just starting hitting me like that, I wonder why?......oh yeah.....cooler box.....damn, I am such a tool."

Coors Light Cold Activated Bottle.



Again we have another product innovation that solves a problem that doesn't exist. The idea is that once the mountains turn blue then your beer is, "As Cold As The Rockies." Here is another "I feel like I am taking crazy pills moment." What did we do before we had the cold activated bottle? Oh yeah, same thing I do with all my beverages, I use my freakin` hand! The hand actually works very well. I just have to hold the beer for a few seconds in my hand, then I use my brain to determine if it's cold or not. The hand or the brain hasn't let me down yet, no cold decisions have been wrong with a warm beer in my mouth when my hand said it was cold.

I mean how does these stupid ideas keep coming up? I would love to have been at the Coors executive board meeting where the Cold Activated Bottle was pitched:

CEO: Well guys, our numbers are down once again, which is very surprising since my Coors Cooler Box Idea, does anyone have any ideas to turn these numbers around? Brew Master Gary, do you have any ideas?
Brew Master Gary: Well maybe we should stop spending money on stupid container ideas and make our shitty beer taste better?
CEO: Gary, you are not being productive, our beer taste fine.
B.M. Gary: Well when was the last time you had a Coors Light?
CEO: I haven't drank Coors Light since high school.
B.M. Gary: I rest my case
CEO: Does anyone else have any ideas? Anyone? Well I have one, what about a bottle that turns blue when it gets cold? People will no longer wonder if their beer is cold or not, they can just look at the bottle and it will tell them.
VP Anne: Well why wouldn't they just use their hand?
CEO: Anne, you're fired!
CEO: Any other objections? Ok, then lets start production ASAP

I think I can predict the next Coors Light Product Innovation, I think it will look something like this:


However this is just a prototype, the actual product will have a Coors Light Cold Activated Bottle.

Tyse