My Greatest Fear!

Everyone has a fear, this is usually a person or an event, e.g. death, being raped, Chuck Norris, losing a loved one, IRS. My greatest fear does not involve a person or what a person could do to me. It's more of a scarcity fear, not scarcity related to gas or food or water, I couldn't care less about those. This is my greatest fear:

The day I run out of this:




If you have this bath tissue in your house right now then you really don't need to keep reading this blog post because I know we share the same fear.

If you don't have this bath tissue in your house right now I feel very bad for you. I don't know what you're waiting for, click here and order this, I guarantee you will not regret it.

I can see myself curled in the fetal position on my floor just whimpering with pain and sorrow when I can no longer find or buy this bath tissue. When people come to my house they always comment on how much they love my TP. I even have to search them before they leave to make sure they don't try and steal it, "You guys have a nice night and drive safe....Hey wait a min, what is that under your shirt? You son of a bitch, give that roll back to me."

You do shop on Amazon correct? I am amazed when I find out people don't shop on Amazon, they sell everything and it's often free shipping and no tax. What else do you want? They shipped my 20 pound dutch oven for free and they are going to ship this 5 pack of 8 giant rolls of TP to me for free, that can't be a small box. The no sales tax just puts it over the top, of course I claim all the sales tax on my tax return at the end of the year anyway, just like everyone else. I mean how hard of a decision is it? I can buy this item at the store which consists of me driving to the store, picking up the item, paying tax, and driving back home. Or I can sit on my fat ass, punch a few buttons and have the item on my doorstep in two days and save 20%.

If you need further evidence that this is the best bath tissue ever I have included some of the reviews left at Amazon, yes people actually leave reviews about how good their bathroom experience is. I bet after someone orders and receives Charmin Plus they use it, wash their hands, and immediately sit down and write a review about how it's the best thing to come into their life. Keep in mind this bath tissue has 5 stars, everyone loves it, here are some of my favorite reviews:

If frequent wiping makes you sore, this product is your cure. I love it so much, I even carry it with me in my suitcase for trips. Strong and super soft without falling apart.

All of these reviews are copy and paste, go check for yourself on Amazon's website. This guy is a man after my own heart, I can totally relate, if it came down to only being able to pack the bare essentials I would give up little luxuries, like clothes, in order to make room for Charmin Plus.

Since my new grocery store (I moved) is always out of Charmin Plus I have been forced to buy alternate brands, which my grocery store thinks is OK. Well it is not OK. Being forced to use alternate brands has made me confident in my opinion; this is the best toilet paper on the planet.

This guy wants everyone to know that it is NOT OK, you got that, IT'S NOT OK TO NOT STOCK CHARMIN PLUS. I agree with this guy 100%, it's not ok buddy, I feel your pain.

Well my store has done it to me for the last time. As an Amazon Prime member (prime has more than paid for itself) my case will be delivered in just a few days for less money and I won't have to worry about this problem ever again. My behind will be happy.

Yes your behind will be happy, and you didn't have to get off your ass to buy it!!

This is one great toilet tissue. It is soft but does not fall apart or clump when wet.

I have a question, how is your toilet tissue getting wet? I mean I understand the natural wetness but is this really an issue that your TP isn't holding up while wet?

I don't care for it, you never feel dry after using it. The lotion in it is just too much. It is extremely soft though.

Maybe you should use a little more?

So, so, so, SO soft. It feels great when you use it. I'm guessing the added Lotion inside acts as an additional softener.

Two thumbs WAY up. And second to one...

Softness: A
Price: B+
Overall: A

4.5 stars.

You guessed right buddy, lotion does make it softer. This guy is the Ebert and Roeper of bath tissue, Two thumbs WAY up!!

It's made all the difference in bathroom comfort.
Recommend it highly.
Amazon has the best availability and price.
Do yourself a favor and you will realize it's not a luxury but a necessity.

Yes, this is a necessity.

Here are the rest of the strange reviews:

This is the only tissue I use as it is soft on the skin of a tender area.

I just wish it was a more reasonably priced in the grocery stores and was availabe in larger quanities for buying in bulk. There are other types of Charmin only will use the Plus.

This is by far and away, the BEST toilet tissue for delicate derriers. I could never do without this product. Try it, you'll love.

Could someone please explain to me what a "Delicate Derriers" is? And is "Far and Away" the correct phrase? Wasn't that the title of a lame movie?

For those of us without Crohn's, it can be a little weird at first, but you get used to it. It's very good toilet paper. It doesn't clump up.

Again with the clumping? What is that? And I am glad I don't have Crohn's, but if it's good enough for Crohn's it's good enough for me!

Charmin with aloe and Vitamin E just doesn't seem to work as well as it should. I wind up using far more of it faster than I ever would have if I had chosen another brand. This disappoints me very much.

Going cheap on TP is not a good idea, there are certain things in life that you do not want to cheap out on. A few of these are TP, bedding, couches, ketchup, coffee, meat, prostitutes, public swimming pools, hotels, motels, carpet, and haircuts. Anything you use everyday might also be a good idea to spend a little extra money on, and that is why I use Charmin Plus.

Now as with everything there are drawbacks, we have heard about the price being a drawback above, but I don't see that as a drawback, if this bath tissue cost 20 bucks a roll I would buy it. This is really the only drawback I can see:

Note: Gift-wrapping is not available for this item.

Looks like I will be wrapping my own Christmas presents this year.

Tyse

Call Center Archives, Vol. 1

After posting the "Take The Dollar Leave The Pizza!" story and talking to a few of my friends I have been inspired to write about some of the phone calls and pranks I experienced while working in a call center for a major satellite company. I don't want to use any company names so I will just call them, No-middle-man TV

I worked in this call center for a few years and there were several events that I still talk about to this day because they were either very crazy or funny.

Before I start I am not sure if these stories are coming across the way I want them to, when I tell these stories at parties or in person people seem to think they're very funny. However, reading a story and hearing it are two very different things.

So here is the plan, most of these stories are rather short, so I am going to write this one up and if it goes over ok and people find it funny I will continue with the next, if not this might be the first and last of the Call Center Archives. Be sure to leave a comment and let me know if the story is working or not.

Call Center Archives, Vol. 1

Company X sells every cable and normal channel you can think of, HBO, TNT, CBS, CNN. They also sell Pay Per View options such as movies and sporting events. On this day none of the above channels were on the menu for this caller. This caller only had one channel in mind, The Playboy Channel!

Before I continue, I need to fill you in on a small detail. Some customers will place a password on their account to avoid any unauthorized changes/charges. It is corporate policy to not make any changes to a password protected account without the caller verifying the password first.

Here is how this call went down:
Me: Thank you for calling "Company X" how can I help you?
Caller: Um...Yeah, I would like to order the playboy channel.
Me: I will be happy to help you with that sir, what is your home phone number?
Caller: 999-999-9999
Me: Ok, Mr. Smith it looks like you have a password on your account, can you verify that for me?
Caller: Um...Is it 83?
Me: No, that is not the password. (The password was something like 2450)
Caller: Ok, thanks, bye
Me: Thank you for calling Company X

I have included some audio of how the caller sounded. Click here

I didn't think much of it other than the fact I knew it was some stupid kid trying to order the Playboy channel. Then about an hour later I heard this little gem from my coworker:
Coworker: Do you have the password sir?
Coworker: No, it's not 92
Coworker: Thanks for calling Company X

About another hour went by and somebody else got the same call again, by the end of the night everyone had heard the story and we were all anticipating our next call to see if it was the kid. Other reps would lead him on and tell him things like, "Oh 102 is so close but you're still a little off"

If I was that little boy and I had successfully ordered the Playboy Channel just once, and then I was caught and now all that stood between me and the Playboy channel was a little password.

Well I have to say, I would be doing the same exact thing as that kid but times 1000. I would of stopped going to church and school, all non-getting-playboy-back-on-TV activities would cease, food and water would become a total annoyance that took up valuable phone calling time, I would recruit all my friends to help with the calling. Any requests for my help would revolve around the password, e.g. "Hey son, will you try and figure out what is wrong with my computer?", "Sure Dad, what is the password?", "Well, my computer Passwor..........", "Dad, Dad, come on, don't play dumb with me, you know which password I am talking about, now unless your computer password applies to more than just your computer I cannot help you."

Here is a small example of what my Christmas, Birthday, and Easter list would look like:

1. Password
2. Password
3. Password
4. Password
5. Password

I wonder if that kid ever guessed the password, I bet he did and now is running some major corporation because he has that much ambition and dedication.

Tyse