The Life Of Tyse

Best Film Ever Made!!!

2008-10-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

Have you ever finished watching a movie and thought to yourself, "That was the best movie I have ever seen, that has to be the best movie ever made"? Well if not, this is only because you have not seen the movie I just finished watching the other day. Here is a link to the trailer so you can see what I am talking about: ROBOCOP 3!!!!

After I watched the movie I wanted more but there is yet to be a Robocop 4 I wanted to see if it was number 1 or 2 on the AFI top movies of all time list. You can check out the list here: top 10 of all time.

I bet you are now just as shocked as I was when I didn't see Robocop 3 on the list. I started thinking, "How can this be? There has to be another opinion" I went to Rotten Tomatoes to get their take and I was shocked again when I saw this:

5% are you serious? The T-Meter has never let me down before. It's like my world is crashing down, someone has to understand this is the best movie ever! I tried my last resort for solid and honest opinion...Amazon! And like always I was not let down. Here are a few examples of what I found:

By	OAKSHAMAN "oakshaman" (Algoma, WI)

This is the first time I remember the third film in a series being the absolute best. Maybe it is because this is the film where Robocop finally gets his priorities straight- as well as the rest of the Detroit PD.

Best robocop movie of all, October 15, 2001

By	Amaris (Iowa)

He has the new sweet gun that attaches to his arm equiped with a flame thrower,machine gun and a powerful gernade launcher that has the capability of destroying a very heavily armored tank which it does.Robocop 3 is a must see.

The Best Science Fiction Cop Drama *EVER*, May 8, 2005

By	Vic G. Sarjoo "VicSarjoo" (New York & New Orleans) - See all my reviews

The finest film of the three and easily the best science fiction film of the past half-century, Robocop 3 is a film epic.

Few films are able to successfully combine the meta-ideas that haunt Mary Shelley's work and appropriately transform the tenets of Victorian horror to the screen. Robocop 3 accomplishes this masterfully, yet also manages to retain the subtleties of character not seen in a script since Hoffman's and Bancroft's work in "The Graduate".

The cinematic special effects wizardry are perhaps only dwarfed by the Oscar-worthy performances of this elite ensemble cast.

Yes you read that right on the last comment "Oscar-worthy performances!!" Keep that in mind when you view the clips I will post later. These actors are the real deal, some of the best performances I have ever seen. You might think Tom Hanks in Forest Gump was good acting but that is only because you have not seen the heart wrenching death scene between Robocop and his partner Lewis. Oh I am sorry if I spoiled it for you, dang.

So now I am at a crossroads, Amazon customers agree with me but AFI and Rotten Tomatoes do not. I thought and thought and I am now on a personal mission to make the world know Robocop 3 is the best movie ever made. I am going to do this by posting a few clips from the best parts of the movie on this blog and let all of my blog readers view it. There is no way the AFI can ignore the millions of "Life of Tyse" fans!

Now, I hope you understand that getting video from DVD to the Net is much harder than you would think. I had to try 10 different software tools but I finally got it done. I had to rip the DVD, edit the clips down to what I wanted, export them out to a decent file size with the right quality (this was the hardest part), and finally upload them to blogger. Well it's all done and now I have video on my blog, yeah that is right, video blog baby, what now! What you gonna do about it? Ok, sorry, I got a little carried away.

Now, this movie has every element of a great film. Each clip is meant to be a demonstration of my point. I will explain each element I am trying to demonstrate before I show you the clip.

#1 Action and drama. In this clip the s.w.a.t team or police have broken into the rebels hide out. The lady is not scared to handle a gun and goes down. Look at the concern in the child's face, and then notice the chilling realism you can almost see the final beats of her heart as she collapses on the bed or cot, I really don't know what she collapses on.

#2 Special Effects. You thought Robocop was a bad ass, well wait until you have seen a ninja cyborg. That is right, this movie has robots that are ninjas and if you hit them with a metal pole it doesn't matter because their face will just go back to normal thanks to the awesome special effects.

#3 More awesome special effects. Robocop gets a few upgrades, yep a jet pack!!! Surprise, I bet you didn't expect that Robocop can now FLY! and he has a rocket launcher for an arm now. If that doesn't convince you I do not know what will.

#4 Inspiration. See in the best movies there is always an inspiring moment. This is usually when everyone gets involved in the battle and it becomes a joint force that is just unstoppable. Well to illustrate this point I cannot think of a better example than a granny with a machine gun!

#5 Drama and Oscar-Worthy Acting. All right, here it is, be ready to cry. This is the clip I was telling you about where Lewis dies. I am getting choked up just thinking about it. After she dies pay close attention to what Robocop says, the sound might suck a little so I will tell you, he says, "Officer Down" now can you think of a more fitting phrase? That's right Robo, officer down, a great officer down.

#6 Comedy. The plot thickens, the police can no longer handle the rebels. So what do they do? That's right, arm up the local punk gang. The punk gang is called, "The Splatter Punks" and they are a very scary bunch but not too bright. This is where the comedy comes in, now pay attention in the background where the one guy is trying to put a helmet on but his mohawk is just too big and he is all confused. Ha ha ha, I think this is so funny, big mohawk, little helmet what else do you want?

#7 Dramatic Finish. Robocop comes in and saves the day and everyone is so happy. The head of the police force is just so happy with Robocop he tries to call him by his real name....Murphy. But now Robocop is so happy and complete and since his partner died who used to call him Murphy more than anyone else he just goes by Robocop! Make sure you pay close attention to the guys reaction after he asks the question.

Hopefully you have now thrown out your copy of Gone With The Wind and now have Robocop 3 on order from Amazon. If not, then you must have a strange idea of what the best movie ever made is.

Tyse

First Day Back In The O-Face

2008-10-21T15:55:00.001-07:00

WOW!!! I took a lot of time off. I don't really know why, I guess it's because I used to work from home 5 days a week and nothing that interesting or funny happens to you when you work from home.

So today is my first day back in the office a few days a week and I already am getting some good blog ideas. My notepad is filling up so stay tuned and I might have some more posts and I might not, it just depends on how I feel and how things come across after I type them. You would be surprised at how many unfinished blog posts I have that seemed real good in my mind then I wrote them out and after reading them over they just suck!!!

Frustrating thing happened here on my first day, I had to call the help desk because my Outlook was all jacked up and I didn't want to take the time to fix it. See when you have a help desk available to you it's great. You just tell them to take control of your computer and fix the problem while you head out to lunch.

So I called the help desk and gave them all my info, the agent tells me he cannot find me in the system, let me give you some background. I work for a consulting company that contracts with a very large financial company. My contract expired last month but was extended for six more months. Well I guess somebody didn't give somebody else the memo or email so I was purged from the HR system. So this help desk agent could not VERIFY that I was an actual contractor. I kept telling him I just needed Outlook fixed, this is how the convo went:

Me: I just need you to fix Outlook, it should only take 5 mins
Agent: Sir, I cannot help you or continue to talk to you on the phone until I have validated your status
Me: I don't know why I am not in the system, I will email my boss and have her fix it, but I just need you to fix Outlook so I can email my boss to correct the issue.
Agent: What is your employee id
Me: I don't have an employee id because I AM A CONTRACTOR for the fifth time!!
Agent: Sir, hold on
Me: holding, singing songs, counting to 10, looking up football scores
Agent: Ok, Sir, thanks for holding, we cannot find you in the contractor database you will need to have your supervisor fix this before we can help you.
Me: My supervisor is very busy and really only responds to email, I cannot email her because my Outlook is all jacked up and you will not fix it for me.
Agent: Listen sir, I am sure you are a authorized user of the system, but I have to make sure before I can help you.
Me: Well why don't you help me, then after you fix my Outlook we can both stay on the phone and call my supervisor or email her or whatever you want to do but I cannot do my job without Outlook.
Agent: Sir, how do I know you're not a computer hacker trying to gain access to the system?
Me: Are you freaking serious? Ok, I admit it, you caught me, I woke up this morning and created a fake id badge on my home made badge making machine, then I drove into the office and hypnotized the security guards to let me into the first set of glass doors. Then I beat up a small man and took his laptop and badge, made my way to the 10th floor and kicked open the elevator doors that will not let you off unless your badge has access for that floor. Then I used a diamond cutter to cut a perfectly round hole through the second set of glass doors just big enough for my body to fit through. Then I found an empty desk and plugged in the laptop I stole from the small man. I bypassed his encryped hard drive, cracked the system admin password, then used a network back door to gain access to a rogue server. I then created an SSH tunnel to the financial systems and I am now downloading millions of dollars into my bank account and while I was waiting for the download I tried to send an email to my MySpace friend when I realized the Outlook program is messed up on this laptop and since my superior hacking skills do not apply to Outlook I called you.

I then hung up the phone and left a voice mail for my boss to call me back.

Sometimes I really hate large corporate BS

Tyse

Bad News Day!

2008-06-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

Bad news today for the economy. Oil is up, Unemployment is up, and the Dow is down:

I have a bad habit of internalizing and visualizing my fears when I read bad news. For example, after I read the news above I visualized myself unemployed, paying $15.00 a gallon for gas, all my stocks had tanked, and I was eating shitty fast food from Burger King. But then I realized this was irrational, not because it couldn't happen to me but because if I was unemployed I really wouldn't care how much gas costs because where would I be going? My stocks would be liquidated long before I would be stressing about them. I felt better after thinking it over, but I am still haunted about the fast food thing. I remember reading that fast food companies do a lot better during a recession. I mean if you're really hurting for money and McDonald's has a $.99 cent menu what are you going to do? I hate fast food just as much as the next guy but I think I might actually have to eat it if I was totally broke. At least there is the chance that you might get some free food or some cash from the contests they are always doing. I know McDonald's does the Monopoly thing but I wasn't quite sure what the others do, I decided to look it up, this is what I found:

Now with these five prizes does something seem a little out of the ordinary? Maybe a little, "One of these kids is doing their own thing".

I will give you a hint:

A Hummer H2! Really? Are you serious? Is that really a prize? That seems like a liability to me. Lets see, you have to pay like $20K in taxes, and you get a ride that costs you $20.00 to drive down the street to the gas station. This sorta reminds me of those white elephant parties you used to go to as a kid. You walk in and there are all these presents wrapped up, and in your mind you're thinking, "Sweet, I just had to bring this lame, pile of shit toy and I am going to get a sweet present....wait, what is that? Another dirty white teddy bear....oh man, all these presents suck....I just want to keep my toy and go home"

This is just like buying some gross ass food at BK and then entering a contest thinking you're going to win some big cash. Instead a jackass shows up at your house with a free H2, and your thinking, "What do you want me to do with that? Can I exchange this for a Whopper or something?" It's like giving a one legged man a bicycle.

Here are the contest details with regard to wining the Hummer:

2008 HUMMER H2 Adventure. The 2008 HUMMER H2 Adventure features standard interior and exterior equipment, standard safety and security features and the Adventure package, which includes self-leveling rear air suspension system, onboard air compressor, Wow, this is important, just today I was like, "Hey babe, can you take your seat belt off and hand me the air compressor?....what? This car doesn't have one, what a bunch of shit" brush grille guard, first aid and tool kit. Vehicle will be delivered via an authorized HUMMER dealer closest to the winner's residence. All vehicle details, including colors and options, will be determined by Sponsor, in its sole discretion. So this pretty much means you're getting a bright orange Hummer. Any upgrades or options not listed above must be arranged by and paid for by the winner. Delivery of vehicle is subject to availability. Oh I am sure that won't be a problem, I don't see a run on Hummer dealerships in the near future. Allow at least 16 weeks for delivery of vehicle after verification of prize claim and eligibility. Ok, why does it take 16 weeks after verification? Is this amount of time it takes to save up for the gas required to drop off the H2? Winner must present his/her current valid driver's license and proof of insurance prior to taking possession of the vehicle OR winner may accept a check for $55,000 payable to winner. OR, did they really just say OR, like you can have A or B, who is going to take an H2 over $55K in cash? "Tyse, you can have $500 dollars OR I am going to drop kick you in the face? Which is it?"

But hey, at least we got our tax rebates right? Or as I like to put it, Bush tolerance payments. I know the tax rebates were entirely Bush's idea, I know they came to him an were like, "Yo Dubuya, the numbers are in and you suck, you are now officially the worst president ever", "Well Mr. Advisor dude, I am going to ask you the same question I asked all of my teachers that told me I was failing, How much do I need to write this check out for?"

$600 for me and $600 for my wife, thank you very much!

Tyse

Spurs are gone!!! YES!!

2008-05-29T22:14:00.000-07:00

The Spurs are now out of the playoffs. This makes me very happy, the Spurs are so boring to watch, they don't do anything besides play defense. People think Kobe is arrogant, well I don't think he is half as arrogant as Tony Parker. Now lets see, what makes Tony Parker arrogant? Oh yeah, he is from France, and has had a lot of experience being an arrogant ass. Now I know that is not fair for me to just lump everyone from France as being arrogant. I mean I haven't actually met anyone from France, but I am a typical American therefore, every Muslim is a terrorist and everyone from France is arrogant.

I wasn't surprised at all when the Spurs lost to the Lakers, I mean they really didn't even have a chance when one of the main stars from the Lakers is actually a terrorist. Oh, you don't believe me? Well take a look at this:

I bet you still think that is a basketball in his hands right? Wrong! It's a bomb and he is trying to get rid of it if you couldn't tell from the crazy look in his eyes. You still need more proof? Here is another pic, I think he was trying to blow up a hair salon, I think this guy hates having his haircut almost as bad as I do:

I feel bad for the Spurs a little bit, I mean what are you going to do when the other team has an outright terrorist on their team that likes to throw homemade basketball bombs around. But not all of the intimidation was on the Lakers side of the ball, the Spurs have this man as their head coach:

This is Gregg Popovich, or AKA Stalin. This dude has to be one of the most intimidating people on the planet. I bet he could just murder you one minute and finish his breakfast the next, just look at his background:

He graduated in 1970 from the United States Air Force Academy. He played basketball for four seasons at the Academy. He graduated with his bachelors degree in Soviet Studies, and he underwent espionage training. He even considered a career with the Central Intelligence Agency.

So this dude was training to be a spy for the CIA in Russia, and now he is a coach? Seems like there might be more to the story that what is on the surface. Maybe he is really a Russian Spy? And trying to be a US Spy is the perfect cover:
CIA Agent: Hey Popovich, are you a spy for Russia?
Popovich: Are you serious? sarcastically Yeah Tom, I went to the Academy and studied about Russia and then went through espionage training and now I am a spy for Russia. Duh Tom, don't be an idiot.

So this dude speaks Russian fluent, I wonder if that helps him when he coaches players. Like if Tony Parker is being an arrogant ass and won't listen to Popovich, I bet he just says some shit in Russian and throws in a Parker hear and there and it snaps him back in line:

Parker: Screw you coach, I am not going to practice today, I am going to sip espresso shots and eat a danish while I talk sheeit about Bush.
Popovich: Pulls out cell phone "Stoickhina oas kisna kill la Parker Tony esingoch sifsidchich"
Parker: Hey coach, I am sorry, I will get ready for practice now.

Tyse

Is anything worse than a graduation?

2008-05-23T23:35:00.000-07:00

I guess it's graduation season, this has been the first year that I haven't had to attend or participate in a graduation of some sort. I am very happy for this, I think of all the obligated social activities graduations are the worst. Here is my list of hated, obligated, social activities. In order of hatred:

1. Graduations
2. Weddings
3. Funerals
4. Company Christmas Parties
5. Church Functions

There are several reasons why graduations suck so bad, first of all it's the one event that doesn't really do anything for anyone but the one that is graduating. At weddings and funerals at least you know you're going to get some food out of the whole deal. It might only be a sacrament cup full of peanuts and mints with some slush to wash it down but at least it's something. Graduations you sit on your ass for 3 hours, give the graduate a gift or $ and walk out just happy it's over.

The Bagpipes at the Westminster Graduation.

What is with Bagpipes? 5 cent bubble gum and Bagpipes bring about 20 seconds of enjoyment to my life. However, one small difference is with the gum I feel like spitting it out after 20 seconds and with the bagpipes I feel like taking my own life after 20 seconds.

This is a breakdown of my thoughts during the bagpipe session:
1 sec - 3 sec = Oh cool bagpipes
3 sec - 5 sec = I love bagpipes, they are Irish or Scottish, wait are they Irish or Scottish? Am I Scottish or Irish? I can't remember.....
5 sec - 10sec = I bet those are hard to play
10sec - 14 sec = If I played the bagpipes I wouldn't wear anything under my kilt.
14sec - 16 sec = Okay, those are getting kinda loud are they gonna play those bagpipes the entire time it takes those people to walk off the stage?

16sec- 17sec = Oh shit, they are going to play those the entire time, I remember from the last graduation.
17sec - 18sec = Enough already with the damn bag pipes!! Do you have a different song or a different tune? Why is it the same damn tune over and over and over, this is driving me crazy. I need to get out of here, where is the exit or a knife?
18sec - 20sec = God I hate bagpipes, who invented these stupid things? The Irish? Am I Irish? Hey, Mom, Am I Irish?.....I am, oh great, I hate my own people now.

Graduations are like Space Mountain at Disney Land on the busiest day of the year. You wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. Then the person goes across the stage and their name is read, and you yell and scream along with everyone else you're with, they take their picture shaking somebodies hand they have never met. The whole thing takes like 10 seconds just like Space Mountain, but unlike Space Mtn. once the event is over you get rewarded with MORE WAITING.

When I open U of T (University of Tyse) we will do graduations a little different, first of all, no bagpipes. Second, when you (The Graduate) show up at the graduation event you will be given a number and a free Popsicle, because I like Popsicles and it's usually hot during graduation season, you then give this number to your friends and family. When we get within 10 or 20 of your number your guests can come in, watch you for 10 seconds, and then go back out and wait for your ass in the lobby where fresh beer (Not Coors Light) and pizza will be served.

Tyse

The Big Pony Polo

2008-05-22T21:42:00.000-07:00

I found a letter the other day while searching the internet, I thought I would post it here, enjoy........

December, 12 2007

Dear Ralph Lauren,

I have been wearing polo shirts everyday for the last 10 years, I love these shirts, they feel so good when I am playing badminton and frisbee in the park with my buddies. I also love to wear polo sunglasses when I drive my Mazda Miata with the top down. I have enclosed a picture of me in my favorite polo shirt for your reference:

I have one request for the Polo Logo on your shirts, see I spend a lot of money to make sure I have a little pony on my chest, it makes me feel better about myself and better than everyone else. However, there are a lot of knock off brands that also use a small insignia on the chest of their shirts and I am sick of being associated with these knock off and inferior brands. I think a good idea would be to increase the size of the Polo Pony by about 5000, this way everyone would know that I was wearing Polo and they wouldn't confuse my shirt with other brands. I also think this will help my self esteem because people that don't really pay attention to what I am wearing will notice a huge ass pony across my chest. I hope you don't think I am being pretentious here and just know that I am pretentious and a marketing tool.

Sincerely,

Sebastian AKA Tool

Six months later..........

Tyse

21 Means 21, well sorta.

2008-05-16T23:05:00.000-07:00

Remember that scene from Zoolander where Derek keeps doing the same look over and over and Will Ferrell says something like, "It's the same look.....I feel like I am taking crazy pills." Well sometimes I feel this same way, actually a lot of times I feel this way. However, I don't verbalize my frustrations as much as I used to, I think this comes from two things. 1. Just the plain realization that some people are total idiots and always will be. 2. Maturity that by voicing your opinion you can isolate people. So let this be a warning to anyone that likes Coors Light to stop reading now, but seriously enough is enough with this Coors Light shit, I can't take it anymore, am I the only one that is not getting something here?

Coors Light Bullshit PR!

From the Coors Light Website:

Throughout our 130-year history, Coors Brewing Company has led the industry in innovation. Today Coors holds more than 115 patents. http://www.coors.com/about_innovations.asp

Ok, whatever, your a very innovative company, I get that. Here is the next little PR junk:

We are focused on helping parents because several recent studies have shown that parents are the most valuable influence on their children's decision to drink or not; and teens predominantly get alcohol from their own parents, their friends' parents and older siblings. http://www.coors.com/part_resp_prev_youth.asp

They go on to talk about MVParents.com and how they give a free brochure (and it's even available in Spanish, like anyone with access to Corona, or Tecate is going to have anything to do with Coors Light) on how to talk to your kids about not drinking until they are 21.

Wow Coors is just an awesome, responsible company! They are so dedicated to preventing underage drinking they even have a nice logo on their website, it looks like this:

But before I could get to this image I had to prove I was 21 through this very high tech verification tool. Here is what it looked like:

It makes me feel better to know that Coors is out there working hard to make sure underage kids are not looking at their website and getting drunk from looking at their site.

This is where I start to go a little, "Are you serious?" Is there anyone out there that is under 21 and gets this pop-up screen and is just like, "Oh shucks, darn, I really wanted to look at that site and then go rob my parents for beer money and become a total alcoholic, looks like I am going to have to wait a few years because 21 means 21, that good ol' Coors stopped me again."

The best part is once you get inside the Coors Light site you will see this little gem:

Now I wonder what the prime age demographic for Myspace users is? Let's see:

http://www.quantcast.com/myspace.com

Now calm down, don't go freaking out thinking that underage kids are jumping on the Coors Light My Space page. Our awesome Coors company wouldn't let that happen, of course they have a rock solid security tool to prevent this, here is what it looks like:

See, I told you, and this one is even better than the one on their site because it has drop down menus. And drop downs are full proof, plus it asks for your state. I really have no idea what the state is all about. After putting in my age (01/01/1901) I was taken to the Coors Light My Space page. I couldn't really do much because I wasn't a friend or something, I don't have a My Space, mainly because I am not cool enough to have a My Space, a MAC, an iPhone, an iPod, or drink Coors Light. However, I was able to see the friends of Coors Light page, this one was my favorite one:

"Hey how the hell did you get in here!, Are you some kind of genius child computer hacker? How did you crack the security?"

Coors Light Pointless Product Innovation

This is what really got me started on this whole Coors Light thing. The Coors Light Vented Can:

Here is the marketing pitch:
With an opening that's 8 percent wider than before — and 27 percent wider than other domestic beers. Really? Was the opening not wide enough already? How big is the human mouth? Is this can for getting sharks drunk? “One Wide Mouth Can plus 12 fluid ounces of cold Coors Light equals wide-open refreshment. Crack one open and do the math”

See the vent on the side of the opening lets air in, so you get a smooth pour. Last I checked the concept of innovation is to solve a problem or make something more efficient. Was there a problem with people not getting a smooth pour from their beer cans? Are there people out there not finishing their beer because it just doesn't come out of the can smooth? No, that wasn't the problem, the problem is Coors Light tastes like shit! And when you're in high school all you can afford is shitty Coors Light. Therefore, you want to drink it as fast as you can so you don't have to taste it. It's the same concept as shotgunning a beer, now it's been awhile since I have shotgunned a beer (before I was 21 I am sure) but the main idea is to hold a can of gross beer A.K.A Coors Light upside down and poke a small hole in the bottom, then put your mouth over the hole and open the beer. The air will shoot in (through the Vent) and force the beer down your throat effectively bypassing your taste buds.

I really don't know anyone who drinks Coors Light, I am proud of this fact actually. I used to have a friend that drank Coors Light however, our friendship came to an end after this fact came to light: "Waitress, can I get a Coors Light? .....Hey Tyse where are you going?....What's Wrong?....Hey how am I going to get home!?!"

I also don't know anyone who shotguns beers on a regular basis. I think this is due to the fact that I really don't hang out with anyone under 21. I wanted to find out if this vent thing really worked and I am not going to drink Coors Light. I did some research on the net to see if anyone out there is really enjoying this new can and is over 21, this is what I found:

So when I saw the new ads for the Coors Light “Vented Wide Mouth Can” and found out today is “Venting Day” I was skeptical. So skeptical, that I decided to put the vent to the test. After about 72 OZs of vented Coors Light, I have absolutely no idea what the vent is for. The ad says it “lets air in”… ok, how does that get me drunker? http://www.livemanly.com/?p=842

Now I do believe this person is over 21, but probably not the sharpest pencil in the box. I love how it took him 72 OZ or 6 beers to reach his conclusion. See he can see through the Coors Light bullshit and knows this vent is suppose to get me drunker somehow, but I can't put my finger on it.

Next up, The Coors Light Cooler Box
Plastic Bottle Cooler Box: Announced in April, 2005, the innovative Coors Light 18-pack plastic bottle cooler box is the industry's first ice-ready plastic bottle package. Break-proof 16-ounce plastic bottles mean that consumers can now take beer where glass isn't allowed ok, that actually happened with the plastic bottle, not the cooler box., such as the pool or the beach. Or your bedroom in your parents house.

If anyone reading this blog sees me with a Coors Light Cooler Box at the pool or the beach please just kick my ass. You don't need to say anything, just walk up to me and start beating me down. You could mention this post as you're walking away, hopefully this will trigger the following thought, "Wow that was weird that dude just starting hitting me like that, I wonder why?......oh yeah.....cooler box.....damn, I am such a tool."

Coors Light Cold Activated Bottle.

Again we have another product innovation that solves a problem that doesn't exist. The idea is that once the mountains turn blue then your beer is, "As Cold As The Rockies." Here is another "I feel like I am taking crazy pills moment." What did we do before we had the cold activated bottle? Oh yeah, same thing I do with all my beverages, I use my freakin` hand! The hand actually works very well. I just have to hold the beer for a few seconds in my hand, then I use my brain to determine if it's cold or not. The hand or the brain hasn't let me down yet, no cold decisions have been wrong with a warm beer in my mouth when my hand said it was cold.

I mean how does these stupid ideas keep coming up? I would love to have been at the Coors executive board meeting where the Cold Activated Bottle was pitched:

CEO: Well guys, our numbers are down once again, which is very surprising since my Coors Cooler Box Idea, does anyone have any ideas to turn these numbers around? Brew Master Gary, do you have any ideas?
Brew Master Gary: Well maybe we should stop spending money on stupid container ideas and make our shitty beer taste better?
CEO: Gary, you are not being productive, our beer taste fine.
B.M. Gary: Well when was the last time you had a Coors Light?
CEO: I haven't drank Coors Light since high school.
B.M. Gary: I rest my case
CEO: Does anyone else have any ideas? Anyone? Well I have one, what about a bottle that turns blue when it gets cold? People will no longer wonder if their beer is cold or not, they can just look at the bottle and it will tell them.
VP Anne: Well why wouldn't they just use their hand?
CEO: Anne, you're fired!
CEO: Any other objections? Ok, then lets start production ASAP

I think I can predict the next Coors Light Product Innovation, I think it will look something like this:

However this is just a prototype, the actual product will have a Coors Light Cold Activated Bottle.

Tyse

My Greatest Fear!

2008-04-07T11:34:00.000-07:00

Everyone has a fear, this is usually a person or an event, e.g. death, being raped, Chuck Norris, losing a loved one, IRS. My greatest fear does not involve a person or what a person could do to me. It's more of a scarcity fear, not scarcity related to gas or food or water, I couldn't care less about those. This is my greatest fear:

The day I run out of this:

If you have this bath tissue in your house right now then you really don't need to keep reading this blog post because I know we share the same fear.

If you don't have this bath tissue in your house right now I feel very bad for you. I don't know what you're waiting for, click here and order this, I guarantee you will not regret it.

I can see myself curled in the fetal position on my floor just whimpering with pain and sorrow when I can no longer find or buy this bath tissue. When people come to my house they always comment on how much they love my TP. I even have to search them before they leave to make sure they don't try and steal it, "You guys have a nice night and drive safe....Hey wait a min, what is that under your shirt? You son of a bitch, give that roll back to me."

You do shop on Amazon correct? I am amazed when I find out people don't shop on Amazon, they sell everything and it's often free shipping and no tax. What else do you want? They shipped my 20 pound dutch oven for free and they are going to ship this 5 pack of 8 giant rolls of TP to me for free, that can't be a small box. The no sales tax just puts it over the top, of course I claim all the sales tax on my tax return at the end of the year anyway, just like everyone else. I mean how hard of a decision is it? I can buy this item at the store which consists of me driving to the store, picking up the item, paying tax, and driving back home. Or I can sit on my fat ass, punch a few buttons and have the item on my doorstep in two days and save 20%.

If you need further evidence that this is the best bath tissue ever I have included some of the reviews left at Amazon, yes people actually leave reviews about how good their bathroom experience is. I bet after someone orders and receives Charmin Plus they use it, wash their hands, and immediately sit down and write a review about how it's the best thing to come into their life. Keep in mind this bath tissue has 5 stars, everyone loves it, here are some of my favorite reviews:

If frequent wiping makes you sore, this product is your cure. I love it so much, I even carry it with me in my suitcase for trips. Strong and super soft without falling apart.

All of these reviews are copy and paste, go check for yourself on Amazon's website. This guy is a man after my own heart, I can totally relate, if it came down to only being able to pack the bare essentials I would give up little luxuries, like clothes, in order to make room for Charmin Plus.

Since my new grocery store (I moved) is always out of Charmin Plus I have been forced to buy alternate brands, which my grocery store thinks is OK. Well it is not OK. Being forced to use alternate brands has made me confident in my opinion; this is the best toilet paper on the planet.

This guy wants everyone to know that it is NOT OK, you got that, IT'S NOT OK TO NOT STOCK CHARMIN PLUS. I agree with this guy 100%, it's not ok buddy, I feel your pain.

Well my store has done it to me for the last time. As an Amazon Prime member (prime has more than paid for itself) my case will be delivered in just a few days for less money and I won't have to worry about this problem ever again. My behind will be happy.

Yes your behind will be happy, and you didn't have to get off your ass to buy it!!

This is one great toilet tissue. It is soft but does not fall apart or clump when wet.

I have a question, how is your toilet tissue getting wet? I mean I understand the natural wetness but is this really an issue that your TP isn't holding up while wet?

I don't care for it, you never feel dry after using it. The lotion in it is just too much. It is extremely soft though.

Maybe you should use a little more?

So, so, so, SO soft. It feels great when you use it. I'm guessing the added Lotion inside acts as an additional softener.

Two thumbs WAY up. And second to one...

Softness: A
Price: B+
Overall: A

4.5 stars.

You guessed right buddy, lotion does make it softer. This guy is the Ebert and Roeper of bath tissue, Two thumbs WAY up!!

It's made all the difference in bathroom comfort.
Recommend it highly.
Amazon has the best availability and price.
Do yourself a favor and you will realize it's not a luxury but a necessity.

Yes, this is a necessity.

Here are the rest of the strange reviews:

This is the only tissue I use as it is soft on the skin of a tender area.

I just wish it was a more reasonably priced in the grocery stores and was availabe in larger quanities for buying in bulk. There are other types of Charmin only will use the Plus.

This is by far and away, the BEST toilet tissue for delicate derriers. I could never do without this product. Try it, you'll love.

Could someone please explain to me what a "Delicate Derriers" is? And is "Far and Away" the correct phrase? Wasn't that the title of a lame movie?

For those of us without Crohn's, it can be a little weird at first, but you get used to it. It's very good toilet paper. It doesn't clump up.

Again with the clumping? What is that? And I am glad I don't have Crohn's, but if it's good enough for Crohn's it's good enough for me!

Charmin with aloe and Vitamin E just doesn't seem to work as well as it should. I wind up using far more of it faster than I ever would have if I had chosen another brand. This disappoints me very much.

Going cheap on TP is not a good idea, there are certain things in life that you do not want to cheap out on. A few of these are TP, bedding, couches, ketchup, coffee, meat, prostitutes, public swimming pools, hotels, motels, carpet, and haircuts. Anything you use everyday might also be a good idea to spend a little extra money on, and that is why I use Charmin Plus.

Now as with everything there are drawbacks, we have heard about the price being a drawback above, but I don't see that as a drawback, if this bath tissue cost 20 bucks a roll I would buy it. This is really the only drawback I can see:

Note: Gift-wrapping is not available for this item.

Looks like I will be wrapping my own Christmas presents this year.

Tyse

Call Center Archives, Vol. 1

2008-04-03T23:27:00.001-07:00

After posting the "Take The Dollar Leave The Pizza!" story and talking to a few of my friends I have been inspired to write about some of the phone calls and pranks I experienced while working in a call center for a major satellite company. I don't want to use any company names so I will just call them, No-middle-man TV

I worked in this call center for a few years and there were several events that I still talk about to this day because they were either very crazy or funny.

Before I start I am not sure if these stories are coming across the way I want them to, when I tell these stories at parties or in person people seem to think they're very funny. However, reading a story and hearing it are two very different things.

So here is the plan, most of these stories are rather short, so I am going to write this one up and if it goes over ok and people find it funny I will continue with the next, if not this might be the first and last of the Call Center Archives. Be sure to leave a comment and let me know if the story is working or not.

Call Center Archives, Vol. 1

Company X sells every cable and normal channel you can think of, HBO, TNT, CBS, CNN. They also sell Pay Per View options such as movies and sporting events. On this day none of the above channels were on the menu for this caller. This caller only had one channel in mind, The Playboy Channel!

Before I continue, I need to fill you in on a small detail. Some customers will place a password on their account to avoid any unauthorized changes/charges. It is corporate policy to not make any changes to a password protected account without the caller verifying the password first.

Here is how this call went down:
Me: Thank you for calling "Company X" how can I help you?
Caller: Um...Yeah, I would like to order the playboy channel.
Me: I will be happy to help you with that sir, what is your home phone number?
Caller: 999-999-9999
Me: Ok, Mr. Smith it looks like you have a password on your account, can you verify that for me?
Caller: Um...Is it 83?
Me: No, that is not the password. (The password was something like 2450)
Caller: Ok, thanks, bye
Me: Thank you for calling Company X

I have included some audio of how the caller sounded. Click here

I didn't think much of it other than the fact I knew it was some stupid kid trying to order the Playboy channel. Then about an hour later I heard this little gem from my coworker:
Coworker: Do you have the password sir?
Coworker: No, it's not 92
Coworker: Thanks for calling Company X

About another hour went by and somebody else got the same call again, by the end of the night everyone had heard the story and we were all anticipating our next call to see if it was the kid. Other reps would lead him on and tell him things like, "Oh 102 is so close but you're still a little off"

If I was that little boy and I had successfully ordered the Playboy Channel just once, and then I was caught and now all that stood between me and the Playboy channel was a little password.

Well I have to say, I would be doing the same exact thing as that kid but times 1000. I would of stopped going to church and school, all non-getting-playboy-back-on-TV activities would cease, food and water would become a total annoyance that took up valuable phone calling time, I would recruit all my friends to help with the calling. Any requests for my help would revolve around the password, e.g. "Hey son, will you try and figure out what is wrong with my computer?", "Sure Dad, what is the password?", "Well, my computer Passwor..........", "Dad, Dad, come on, don't play dumb with me, you know which password I am talking about, now unless your computer password applies to more than just your computer I cannot help you."

Here is a small example of what my Christmas, Birthday, and Easter list would look like:

Password
Password
Password
Password
Password

I wonder if that kid ever guessed the password, I bet he did and now is running some major corporation because he has that much ambition and dedication.

Tyse

Take The Dollar Leave The Pizza!

2008-03-28T13:03:00.000-07:00

During my high school years I worked at a pizza chain, I will just call it Pizza Stop (PS) to keep things anonymous.

When a customer calls PS to complain about their pizza they are given three options:

1. Remake the pizza and send it back out

2. A credit in the system so their next pizza will be free

3. A full refund of their money

I am sure you already know most everyone chooses option 2. Why you ask? Well because 9 times out of 10 you’re hungry as hell and the pizza is still edible, you’re not going to wait another hour for a fresh correct pizza and let’s just be honest, your kids or your friends have already ate half of it. The refund is not an option because that would require you to drive down to the store and who wants to leave their house? Isn’t that why you ordered a pizza in the first place?

Credits are the most popular option. On a busy Friday night you can get a lot of people calling back in for credits and each time you need a manager to come over and type in the credit. It only takes about 12 times in one night of interrupting a busy manager for them to just show you how to enter a credit. This was, by far, not a good thing to show a young high school kid with questionable ethics.

The abuse begins!

Carry out orders is where it all started, see at PS everything is linked to the phone number, so to get a free pizza on my day off all I had to do was enter a credit under a friends phone number, call PS and order my pizza, drive down and pick it up. The only issue was I worked there and I couldn’t just walk in and grab a free pizza. This is where my friend Sam (fake name) came in, Sam had just as shady ethics as I did so it only took about 5 seconds to convince him to walk in and grab the pizza.

The plan worked perfectly! We kept getting free pizzas about three times a week, I would use different phone numbers so nobody would get suspicious until one of the managers started to realize that whenever Sam walked in the door his pizza was free, this is how the last convo went:

Manager: Can I help you?

Sam: Yeah I had a pizza under Johnson

Manager: Ok, let me look here, oh yeah, Large 3 topping?

Sam: Yep

Manager: Ok, [walking over to the computer] looks like that is going to be....oh….wait it’s free…looks like you had a credit?

Sam: Yep

Manger: Hey wait a minute, how come every time you come in here your pizza is free?

Sam: Well you guys keep screwing it up. (Sam was, and still is, a total smart ass)

Manager: I don’t think so; you’re not getting any more free pizza, now get out of here.

That little incident put an end to our carryout free pizzas, but we were smart kids so we just needed to refine our strategy.

We had lots of friends that didn’t mind getting free pizza, so I would enter a credit under a friend’s phone number. Then we would drive over to their house after school, smoke weed, and order a pizza. We had it down to a science, the most you could give a credit for was $20.00 and if you only ordered $12.00 worth of pizza the other $8.00 was just wasted. To avoid wasting money, I spent a few minutes calculating the perfect order, large 3 topping, breadsticks, and wings was exactly $20.35 it was better to go over than under, after paying the driver a tip and the .35 cents we would get our pizza for $2.35. Just so you know how poor we were in high school we would fight over whose turn it was to pay the $2.35.

Things quickly started getting out of control; I actually took the student directory into PS and entered credits under every phone number of the kids I knew. When asked, I told the manager I was looking for people to pick up my shift.

More often than not, after school we would sit in my white Chevy and look through the student directory trying to find one of our friends that we hadn’t used their credit yet. Looking back I think it went something like this:

Bailey?

No we went to his house like two weeks ago

Bond?

Davidson?

Goodsen?

Nope

Higley?

Do you really wanna hang out with Higley?

Yeah, good point,

Owen?

Yeah! Owen, then we would drive straight to their house unannounced, “Dude, Owen, you got a credit man!” We said that line usually after we were already half way into their house and on the phone with PS.

I am still surprised that the delivery drivers didn’t put two and two together and realize each time they had a free pizza delivery there was my white Chevy in the driveway.

The Last Free Pizza

One day, we (Sam, Tom, and Me) were at Sam’s house and had just finished smoking weed and somebody had a great idea to order a pizza. I told Sam, “Dude I just put a credit on your phone number last night” We jumped to the phone and ordered a large 3 topping, breadsticks and wings, total was .35. We hung up the phone and were happy as hell; we smoked another bowl and waited for our pizza to show up. Then Sam started thinking and said, “Who is going to answer the door?” Our jaws dropped with despair because Sam could not answer the door because everyone knew him at PS and he was banned from free pizza for life. Tom and I both worked there so we couldn’t answer the door. So there we were, totally stoned, pizza on the way and no way to receive it.

After about 10 minutes, Sam thought up a plan, he gets a dollar (that is all the $ we had) and places it under a small rock right outside the front door. Then he walked up stairs and opened the window, and then he told me to disguise my voice and when the pizza guy shows up tell him, out the window, that you just got out of the shower and to leave the pizza. We all high five each other at our new full proof plan and smoked another bowl, of course.

About five minutes later the doorbell rang, I looked at Tom with a stage frightened expression on my face, we both started laughing our guts out, then Sam started laughing as well and none of us could stop laughing long enough to say anything out the window. We had to be quiet because the window was open and we didn’t want him to hear us laughing, it was that painful, uncontrollable laughter, and trying to be quiet at the same time, it was complete torture. The doorbell rang again and I started to panic because I knew if I did not get myself together we would not get our pizza. It seemed like 4 hours went by with us just rolling on the floor laughing in convulsions before Sam gained enough composure to yell in a dirty, raspy, voice, “TAKE THE DOLLAR LEAVE THE PIZZA!” After hearing that we went right back to laughing and rolling on the floor uncontrollably. We heard the driver pull out the pizza and set it on the ground; he took the dollar and started walking back toward his car, (right past my white Chevy) then Sam gets up to the window to see if he was gone and yells, “KEEP THE CHANGE!” The driver flipped him off and gets back into his car.

I told you, Sam is, and always will be, a total smart ass.

EDIT: I decided this post would make more sense if I included some audio of how it actually sounded when Sam yelled out to the delivery driver, enjoy.

Whenever my friends and I talk about this story we always wonder what the driver was thinking, I mean how often does a driver drop off a pizza and a voice from the window yells, in a deep voice, “Take the dollar leave the pizza!” Like why can’t you just open the door? And who puts a little pebble on top of a dollar in front of their door? To this day whenever I see Tom or Sam and one of us says, “Take the dollar leave the pizza!” we start laughing just as hard as we did on that day over 10 years ago.

Tyse

James Spader, Man Crush?

2008-03-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

Every guy has one person or actor from their childhood who is their idol. This person usually takes on one of two different forms. A. The strong hero type, e.g. Rocky, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal or B. The super cool guy, e.g. Fonzy, Johnny Depp, George Clooney. Well none of the above examples are my childhood idol if that is what you're wondering, my childhood idol is, James Spader! Now I know what you're thinking, "James Spader, what the hell? That dude is not cool like Owen Wilson" Calm down and let me explain, when I say James Spader I am not talking about this lame ass:

I don't even know what the character's name is that James Spader plays here and I do not want to know, I do not remember James Spader like that.

I remember James Spader like this:
Yes, this is my childhood idol and ultimate bad ass Steff!

Please forgive the fact that in this picture it looks like Steff just sacrificed two small animals and is about to give Ted Bundy a run for his money but what do you expect with screen captures from YouTube?, it's the best I could do. Now, if you're thinking, "Isn't that the guy from Pretty in Pink?" you're correct. However it does not matter if you think Pretty in Pink was a good show or not, you cannot deny that Steff is one bad ass mother fucker.

I am an analytical person, and I have been very analytical on this blog so let me use my skills to help explain further for all you people out there that cannot immediately see where I am coming from.
Lets look at Exhibit A:
1. How many people can wear sunglasses like that and still be that kick ass?
2. How long is that freakin` cigarette? Is it a Virginia Slim 230? Which just proves my point even further, he can smoke women's cigarettes and still be a total bad ass.
3. He is in high school with a sport coat on, what else do you want?
4. There really is not a name for this hairstyle, it's not a mullet, it's not really long, it's not really short. The name I prefer is Awesome! I remember one time, when I was younger and had more hair, I went to the salon and they asked me how I wanted my haircut? I replied, "Just cut it so it looks Awesome" 30 mins later I was walked out with my hair cut just like Steff's.

Exhibit B: The Name "Steff"

While trying to find pics of Steff online I looked on IMDB and other sites and the correct spelling is with two ff's. Now without seeing the character and just going strictly off the name it may seem a little gay, like maybe a girls name. But put the name to a face and all of a sudden you have a very bad ass name. I am not going to get into how all the names are jacked up in Pretty in Pink like, Steff, Duckie, Blaine, and Andie. But seriously, in my high school, show up with a name like Steff and you're going to get your ass kicked unless you're wearing a suit, have perfect hair, and smoke Misty's.

Exhibit C: The leisure Suit
This scene is by far my favorite from the entire movie. Once again Steff is smoking a pencil long cigarette and wearing a full on suit in high school. How does he get away with smoking in high school? Because he is Steff, that's why, what are you going to do? He has a freakin suit on!

Exhibit D: Only a few puffs for Steff

When you're this cool and this rich you only need a few puffs from a cigarette before it's time to put it out. And when you put it out do you use an ash tray? Hell No, you're in high school there are no ash trays, besides you're Steff, and you have a freaking SUIT ON. You just step on it. Don't even ask how he gets away with this, he is Steff, what do you expect?

Exhibit E: Shoulder Pads
Surprise!! Shoulder pads...Yes, I know you can't believe it, how did he pull it off? I just found out last night when I was getting these screen shots from You Tube. Here is what went through my mind, "Holy shit.....are those really shoulder pads? (pause for a few moments for it to set in) well it makes sense, if anyone could pull it off it would be Steff, you just never stop exceeding my expectations Steff, love ya buddy"

Exhibit F: Loafers and NO SOCKS!!!

Yes I did save the best for last, now if you're a fan of Pretty in Pink I bet you know what is going to happen next in this scene but for those who don't, Steff is about to get into a little tiff with Duckie. I wish I could transport myself into the movie so I could give Duckie a bit of advice before he tackles Steff. I think this is how the convo would go:

Duckie: That son of a bitch, talking like that about Andie
Me: Dude, Duckie, chill you don't want to mess with Steff, he is way cooler than you.
Duckie: I don't care man, I am going to kick his ass
Me: Duckie, come on, pull your head out of your ass, he is wearing a freaking SUIT, in high school.
Duckie: Andie doesn't deserve this
Me: Have you seen how long his cigarettes are? He doesn't' even finish them, he just puts them out on the floor and nobody cares.
Duckie: Really?
Me: Yeah, and have you seen his sunglasses?
Duckie: I don't care man, this is my chance I am going to tackle him.....
Me: Dude, wait, Just wait one second, I didn't want to tell you this but he is wearing loafers and no socks, NO SOCKS MAN! What are you going to do? You can't compete with that, loafers and no socks, what else do you want?
Duckie: Oh yeah, you're right, he is too cool for me.

I would like to think our convo would have avoided this:

I know this is a total shit pic but if you look close you can see toward the top middle of the pic Steff with loafers and no SOCKS!!

Even after he gets taken to the ground Steff gets back up and is still totally cool:

"Are you serious? Did you really just tackle me? What part of Suit and loafers with no socks did you not see? Do I have to show you my cigarettes? This is ridiculous!"

This pic is either right before or right after he spits on the floor right in front of the principal. He just spits on the floor in front of the principal, I mean what is the principal going to do? It's Steff, he just got through putting out a Virginia Slim not even 20 feet away, did I forget to mention he has a fucking suit on! In high school!

Hopefully now you can see why Steff is the coolest guy ever! And if not, just set this bad boy profile pic to your desktop wallpaper and it will come to you, I promise.

Tyse

Sorry

2008-03-18T00:45:00.000-07:00

I cannot believe it has been almost a year since I have updated my blog. I really do not have any excuses and I am not going to try and list some lame reasons why I haven't updated my blog: New job, graduation, family drama, time, lazy, company in town.

I am working on a new blog but I cannot say anything about it because it has to remain 100% anonymous. So I am confused as to how I am suppose to let people know of my new blog without telling them on this blog??

Whatever

X-MAN!!!

2007-04-05T17:23:00.000-07:00

There has been a lot going on since my last post. I have switched job roles and am now working at the corporate headquarters. I have been a little busy and haven't had the time to post. However, today I came across one of the dumbest marketing ideas ever! This makes "Office Space" look like the most professional place on earth. I had little choice but to post this as soon as I had a chance.

I am going to try and do this without getting into trouble so forgive any specifics that I have to leave out in order to obtain my anonymity.

We have been missing our numbers so the stock has really taken a beating and so the marketing department has been working very hard to try and stimulate revenue. They had a competition for people inside the company to come up with ideas and they would win $2500 bucks. Well when 90% of the company are hardcore data geeks I guess I shouldn't be surprised.

I now present to you......

The best idea in corporate marketing history.........

X-MAN!!!!!!!

I am being serious, this is not a joke!!

X-man, wow, that was totally worth $2500 bucks! I wonder how long it took the geek that came up with that?..."You see Chris, it's like having Wolverine for our corporate mascot but we will just call him X-man and make him look like a homo Italian guy, If I get that $2500 I am going to buy a new Linux server to run Oracle 10G so I can track my Internet logs"

It gets even better, they put out on the Intranet a little mock interview with X-man, here are some parts of the interview for your entertainment:

*****: What is your role as the ***** X-Man?

X-Man: That’s simple. I’m the 'company name' brand guy. I live and breathe this stuff and have lots of fun promoting the 'company name' great brand. You’ll see me here and there, throughout your workplace and in the newsletter just to remind everyone of the importance of our corporate brand. On the side, I also rescue cats from trees.

'company name': Thanks for the great information, X-Man. Before we go, tell us your pick for winner of the Cricket World Cup?

X-Man: My money is on Ireland, but anything could happen!

'company name': And the NCAA Basketball Championship?

X-Man: Easy. Florida, hands-down.

'company name': I guess we’ll be seeing you again?

X-Man: Without a doubt. Meanwhile, remember: When it comes to the brand, I’m … X-Man!

I have to say this is the first time I have worked for a company where we have a cartoon as the corporate mascot. There is talk that they are going to make an X-Man suit and put some dude in it. He will give away corporate crap like t-shirts and coffee cups during a little pep rally next month. I wonder if we can wear Hawaiian shirts on that day? I will have to ask.

Until next time,

Tyse

Bad Haircut!!

2006-11-21T14:33:00.000-08:00

I really don't like getting my haircut. I can do without the fake chit chat and stupid questions that get asked just so I will tip, here is an example of typical stylist questions:

So what do you do?
Really?
Do you like that?
So how long have you lived in AZ?
Do you like it so far?
What does your wife do?
Really?
Does she like that?
Oh, you're going to school, do you like it?
When will you be done?
Really?
So what are you going to do after school?
Really?
That sounds cool!

Shut up!! Just cut my hair, I don't care what you do, you don't care what I do. Just shut up and I will give you a stupid tip because I will feel too guilty not to.

Now you can see my general attitude when it comes to getting my haircut. Which contributes to this last haircut which, was by far, the worst hair cut of my life, worst haircut ever! Let me try to reconstruct the experience without getting too pissed off.

The experience was doomed from the start because the usual person that cuts my hair was booked up and I needed it done before Thanksgiving. I decided to save a few bucks and get my haircut at Wal-Mart. Now I know what you're thinking, what do you expect when you go to Wal-Mart for a haircut? I couldn't agree more, however this experience goes above and beyond the typical low expectations @ Wal-Mart.

After putting my name on the list and coming back after 1.5 hours I was finally next in line and waiting for the haircut lady to call my name. Instead she looks at the list, looks up at me and says, "you Tyson?" to which I reply, "yes" then she taps the back of her chair with her comb. I assume this was my signal that I am 12 and need to jump up in my high chair.

I sit down and notice that my feet are in a sea of hair, there is so much hair on the floor I couldn't tell what color the floor was. She says to me, "what are we doing today?","just cut it short on the sides and blend it up." She looks at me like I am a total idiot and says, "What number?" I assume she is talking about the trimmer so I say, "two". She throws on the #2 guard and starts hacking the shit out of my hair. She cuts the side and the top of my head on a #2 so I look like I have a freaking Mohawk and I am going into the military. I made another famous diagram so you will understand what I am saying:

So at this point I notice that she has just hacked all my hair off and I am in a state on confusion. I start taking a long look at this girl to see if she is retarded, deaf, or what? I then notice several sores on her hands and face. I also notice it looks like she hasn't taken a shower in about 3 weeks. Her fingers and nails are dirty and dingy and she is cutting my hair like she is in first place at the Daytona 500. I come to the conclusion that this chick is 100% for sure a tweaker!

Now, I am not sure if everyone has played the Worst Case Scenario Survival Board Game, if not here is a link. They need to add one more scenario that spells out exactly what you need to do when you find yourself sitting in a mountain of dead human hair within your local Wal-Mart and a tweaker is hacking the living shit out of your hair @ 500 miles an hour. What do you do?

A. Stop the tweaker and walk out with half your hair cut off and try to find another salon open on a Sunday at 7:00 PM to finish the job.
B. Call the tweaker out and tell her you know she is on meth and watch as she carves a nice F. U. in the back of your hair.
C. Wait until she is done cutting your hair, which is only 30 seconds when you're on meth, stand up and ask if she thinks it's a good idea to tweak out while cutting hair?

Now I am sure most people will never be in this position but I think it will be worth your time to think through the situation before you find yourself in it. I really don't think people understand how much power the hairstylist has over you while you sit helpless in their chair.

I went with option C after a lot of thought and consideration of the worst case scenario. She looked at me and said, "I don't know what you're talking about" I then told her I was going to call her manager in the morning and walked out.

The next day:
me - Hello, is the manager available?
manager - Yes, I am the manager
me - I was in yesterday getting my haircut by ****** (aka tweaker) and she screwed it up.
manager - Yes, I remember, I was here actually, you didn't pay right?
me - No, of course not
manger - Well that is good.
me - Have you noticed anything funny about ******
manager - Well what do you mean?
me - Oh, I don't know, like maybe she is a total tweaker?
manager - Oh yeah, I did notice, but I guess we like to think that what people do outside the job is their own business.
me - Are you serious? Do you think she just does meth on the weekends or something? Did you not see how fast she was hacking the shit out of my hair?
manager - Well we really haven't had any complaints up until now, but it's only me and her, and if I had anyone else I would take care of the situation but my hands are tied.
me - Well you're the manager and if you think it's ok to have a meth addict working at a salon touching people with the same hands she hits the pipe with then that is your deal.
manager - Well if you want to come back in a few weeks after your hair grows out I will fix it for free.
me - Well it's going to take a lot longer than a few weeks for my Mohawk to grow out but, no thanks, I will never be back in your salon again
manager - Well I am sorry to hear that
me - Have a nice day
manager - goodbye
me - bye

There is several things that are sick and wrong with this whole thing and I could go on and on about it all day but I really think it's funny that the manager was concerned that I didn't pay. Why do they think it makes up for it if I don't pay? I compare it to somebody kicking you in the balls and then having a manager come over and say, "did you pay for that?" while I am laying on the ground moaning, "no","oh, well that is good"

Tyse

Starbucks!

2006-10-23T14:41:00.000-07:00

I watched an interview on TV the other night with the CEO of Starbucks. He commented that Starbucks is in the people business.

This struck me as strange because you would assume they are in the coffee business. He went on to say that Starbucks spends a lot of time and money training there employees to be people oriented. Since I saw this interview I have noticed the employees at Starbucks really do try to be friendly and happy. However, I have also noticed some exceptions to this policy. Being the Good Samaritan that I am I have decided to put together a list of advice for all Starbucks employees:

Just because you have had 9 espresso shots doesn’t mean everyone else has. Just calm your peppy ass down and take my order.
I will specify when you can use a shorter version of the name I give you, don't call me T or Tyse without my permission, I don't say, "give me an Amero or give me an A", I say, "Americano".
At 7:00 AM I am really not in the mood for your stupid Tyson jokes. I am never really in the mood but I can usually tolerate them much better later in the day. @ 7 AM I am just not in the mood to give you that fake head nod and smile which confirms that you’re a total jackass when you say, “Tyson…..like the boxer? Hahaha”
When I say I need room for cream in my Americano that means I need some room, not half the cup.
Drive Thru Starbucks

Here is how my drive thru order went today:

Welcome to Starbucks what can I get started for you?

One Tall Vanilla Latte`

Is that everything?

No, I need an extra shot in that latte` please

Ok, anything else?

Yes, I need that with Soy and no whip.

Is that everything?

No, I also want a tall Americano

Is that it then?

No, I need room for cream in that Americ.....

Anything Else?

YES! I need a Blueberry Coffee Cake

Is that everything then?

No, I need a bagel and cream cheese

Is that everything?

Yes

Ok, your total is $9.94 at the second window

The reason why most people use the drive thru is time. However, others, like me, use the drive thru so we don’t have to deal with the fake, peppy, caffeine junkies inside the Starbucks. But when people act like this in the drive thru defeats the entire purpose. Now when you’re at the mercy of people serving you food it’s not a good idea to piss them off until after they have given you what you need, hence this blog post. Which brings me to point 6:

I will tell you when I am done with my order, don’t keep busting my balls by asking me, “is there anything else?” at the end of everything I say.

Tyse

Nose Blower!

2006-10-17T10:52:00.000-07:00

I have been spending the last few weeks with headphones on so I can escape my reality and pretend like I don't work next to NCM and his lover.

Today I decided to listen to some Johnny Cash, Now I must admit I don't listen to a lot of Johnny Cash but I really like what I have heard so far. Being unfamiliar with the music I was surprised to hear blowing sounds in the background of this song. I thought to myself, "Who puts this type of sound effects in their music?" This went on for a few mins, then I realized it wasn't j. cash that was making this noise. It was some packer that likes to blow their nose 5 feet from my cube every 10 seconds. The sound of snot and gaunt coming out of your nose isn't what people really want to hear at 9:00 am. Do you realize what it takes to blow your nose in your cube? I mean you have to plan this shit out. You need to make an effort to get some tissues (100 tissues in this case) and place them on your desk. Then, you blow your nose so everyone can hear and then throw the tissue in your garbage can so it can sit there all day for you to look at. How hard is it to walk your lazy ass over to the bathroom and blow your nose where it's suppose to be done?

Am I crazy?

2006-09-28T13:42:00.000-07:00

This is more of a sanity check than anything else.

I just read this update from my news server:

IBM Corp., based in Armonk, N.Y., and Lenovo Inc. of Research Triangle Park, N.C., recalled the rechargeable, lithium-ion batteries used in ThinkPad computers because they may pose a fire hazard. About 168,500 of the batteries were sold in the U.S., while the rest were distributed worldwide, the CPSC said.

It was the fourth recall in recent months involving Sony batteries believed to be defective. In August, Dell asked customers to return 4.1 million faulty laptop batteries and Apple recalled 1.8 million batteries worldwide, warning they could catch fire. Last week, Toshiba said it was recalling 340,000 laptop batteries due to a problem that caused the laptops to sometimes run out of power.

Let me provide a summary in my own words to assure I have the facts straight. Sony laptop batteries were recalled from these laptop vendors:

1. Dell
2. Apple
3. Tochiba
4. IBM

Now am I taking crazy pills or does there seem to be one laptop vendor missing?

What is Sony doing?
"Chan, what you doin`? dont be puttin those battery in Sony laptop. Those battery are for oder non-Sony laptop"

EDIT:
If you have read this far and are still confused as to what I am talking about then you're an idiot! I guess I will have to spell it out for you. Sony made the batteries that went into the recalled laptops of IBM, Tochiba, Apple, and Dell. The problem is, "why didn't any SONY laptops get recalled?" They must of sold all the bad batteries and kept the good ones for themselves.

Tyse

NCM has a new lover!!

2006-09-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of NCM, I really don't know how long I can take this. This guy has to be the worst cube neighbor in the world. Worst Cube Neighbor Ever!! {Simpsons Comicbook Guy} I would even say he is the worst neighbor ever. I used to live in a run down neighborhood in Utah called Kearns, we called it K-town for short. Now keep in mind this was Utah so the run down neighborhood might seem like a country club to South Central.

There was this family that lived across the street, they rented their house and put off an image that just screamed tweaker. Everyday I had to avoid backing into one of the 10 random cars parked at the end of my driveway. Rent-a-center was at their house at least 3 times a week pickup up furniture or dropping off a new big screen that was just going to get repossesed the next week. The yard was a joke and kids ran around in diapers constantly. One time they had an old, rusted out, Bronco sitting on the street for 4 weeks, I had to dodge it everyday. I couldn't take anymore of this so I decided to call the police and inform them of the Bronco decomposing at the end of my driveway. The cops came out and told them to move the Bronco. The next day I am backing out of my driveway with a huge smile on my face (due to the Bronco being moved) when I notice, an engine, yes a 350 big block engine sitting on the road in place of the Bronco. Well I thought this wouldn't last since it was going to rain that day and I am sure they wouldn't leave an engine out to get rained on. I went to work and when I returned I was right, they didn't just let an engine sit on the road during a rainstorm, they had placed a kiddy pool (yes a kiddy pool that you get at wal-mart for $5.00) over it to protect it from the rain.

I would rather live next to that house for 15 years than spend another day next to NCM. I only had to deal with the Rent-a-center house twice a day. I have to deal with NCM 8 hours a day.

Now lets take a min and review why I hate NCM. 1. He stole his cube, he doesn't even belong next to me. I am a BA and he is a PM, I sit next to 8 other BA's and NCM is like the odd one out. Sesame street comes to mind, "one of these kids is doing their own thing" 2. He stole my chair, I think this would piss anyone off. 3. He won't sit down, he looks over the 3 foot wall @ me and stares anyone down that passes his stolen cube. 4. He's just an overall packer, he is arrogant and thinks he is above everyone and anyone.

Now I will add item #5. He talks to his lover through the 5 foot cube wall. I hate people that don't respect the cube wall.

Yes, I did say that NCM has a new lover that he has brought onto the project. This guy is really, really dumb. He has to ask NCM about 15 times a day how to do his job. I know that NCM referred him and got a nice $1000.00 referral bonus that he isn't going to tell this idiot about. NCM and his lover are inseparable, they carpool together, eat lunch together, go on break together. His lover even stands around his cube waiting for him to get done with his work so they can walk out together.

I have created a NCM lover diagram so you will understand what I am talking about. As usual I have used the standard cube of tyse template to not confuse:

Tyse

NCM (new cube man) is a thief!!

2006-09-07T16:44:00.000-07:00

I had a meeting today in my cube with two other people. I know it's hard to get an accurate idea of the scale of my cube without actually seeing but I will try to sum it up for you: IT's SMALL!

Therefore having a meeting with two addl. people in my cube tends to be a logistical nightmare. We all need chairs and you can't fit 3 big work chairs in my cube, so having a small chair with no arms tends to work out very well.

I keep my extra chair at the end of my desk and it's always there, here is a pic of what my cube looks like on a normal day. I have used the standard tyse cube template so you won't get confused.

As you can see everything fits and has it's place. Well I get in today at 9:05 AM and my meeting started at 9:00 AM so I already am looking like an idiot to the 2 people that are waiting to start the meeting in my cube. This is a pic of what my cube looked like today.

Notice anything? I didn't, I had to scramble around for 10 mins trying to find chairs and the ones I found sucked, so we are all crammed in my cube for 1.5 hours today. After the meeting I decide to go on a little chair hunt to try and find my chair. I have worked here for 10 months and my chair has never been missing. So I thought to myself what could of changed? What could be the catalyst in my cube setup? Then it dawned on me; NCM! I walk around and sure enough, there is my chair. I took it back and put it in it's place. Then I made little comments to NCM so he knew that I didn't want him touching my chair. "That chair has been in my cube longer than you have worked here" is what I said to him as I was taking it back over to my cube. Now NCM is a chair thief and a screen flipper, I can't trust this guy! If I was broken down on the side of the road and there wasn't any help around for miles and NCM came by to help I would just tell him, "no thanks! I am fine"

Tyse

Revenge on NCM (New Cube Man) !!

2006-08-11T11:22:00.000-07:00

It's been a week since NCM Stole his cube. He still doesn't respect the 3 foot high cube wall. He is still doing WAS's and he is still pissing me off!

I have found a way to get revenge on NCM. I noticed that anytime I walk by NCM's stolen cube he seems to be looking at his Windows Desktop. Nobody just stares at their desktop for hours on end so I knew there must be something more to this. I decided to perform an experiment and see if NCM was a screen flipper.

First I stare at NCM's stolen cube and monitor from a distance so he can't see me. Then as I get closer I perform a WAS and try to see if his screen flips. Here is a diagram of what I am talking about.

Results:
NCM is a screen flipper!!!
I knew it, he must really think I am stupid. Like people just sit and look at their desktops all day. He isn't even good at it, he screen flips like 2 seconds too late.
Here is another diagram if you don't know what a screen flipper is:

Now that I know NCM is a screen flipper I have been hounding him. It's so funny, it's revenge at it's finest. I get up for any reason and do a WAS and I always hear the pleasant sound of the windows key being pressed along with the D key in a fury of panic. I had a 10 page document that I needed to print. I printed it out one page at a time and at a printer that isn't even close to my cube just so I could do a WAS while I was getting my page off the printer and another WAS while I was coming back. I actually started to get evil look backs coming from NCM. He would look over his shoulder and give me that, "why don't you stay sitting down!" look. I love it!

It's so ironic, he is getting upset by me doing the exact same thing he does to me. What a hypocrite! I think the next step is to switch out the windows key on his keyboard and then come into his cube with a question while staring at his screen. This is how it would go:
Me: Hey NCM I was wondering.....
NCM: (franticly pressing the windows key)
Me: (while staring at his monitor) Oh..Well....I'll just come back later.

That would be the ultimate revenge!

Tyse

New Cube Guy!! (BTPANCM)

2006-08-02T10:02:00.000-07:00

We had an employee resign on Friday.
He sat right next to me and did his own thing.
We had a virtual agreement that even though we worked less than 2 feet away from each other, we had a cube wall between us and we respected the cube wall. The cube wall is only 3 feet high. So as long as we both sat in our chairs we couldn't see each other and the wall could be 10 feet high. Everything was just great!

Well, he left on Friday for Honeywell. So Monday and Tuesday his cube was being set up for some New Indian Dude (NID) {I knew it was an Indian dude because the name plate said something like Sureij Karinkiganickan}. I really like working next to Indian workers, they don't speak and are quiet as a mouse. So I was happy Monday and Tuesday.

Well today I get to work early, before most people are in the office. 9:00 AM rolls around and guess who comes walking into NID's cube? Big, Tall, Punk A, New Cube Man! (BTPANCM) It's only 10:10 AM and I know this isn't going to work out. I guess BTPANCM decided to make a little switcharoo last night after everyone had left. I guess he didn't like his old cube so he decided he was better than New Indian Dude (NID). This can be represented by BTPANCM > NID. See I really don't have any respect for office vultures like this. You know the guy that doesn't really belong in an office but will move into an empty office after hours and just hope nobody says anything. These people really piss me off, who do they think they are? You can't just jump around from cube to cube without going through the proper channels. See these people are like mice, they just squeeze into any open place and try not to get caught. Well not this time, I caught this little punk and I am posting it on my BLOG!!

Now I wouldn't mind or care if BTPANCM was just a normal worker and respected the 3 foot cube wall. But this guy is nuts, he doesn't have any office etiquette! He is like 6' 10" and when he sits down I can still see the top of his head. Now I have to slouch down in my chair so I can't see the top of his head. But this only works part of the time because, he won't sit the fuck down!!

He is one of those rubber necking bastards that is so concerned with what everyone else is doing. He stands up and looks around staring everyone down. He is always looking at me and looking at my monitor. I think the longest he has sat down is 5 mins. Then he will do the Walk Around Stare, I think everyone knows what the walk around stare is. W.A.S makes anyone so uncomfortable, and when BTPANCM does it I can't stand it. He has only been here for 1.5 hours and he has done at least 5 W.A.S's. He walks over to the printer and back without taking his eyes off my screen or my face. If you don't know what I am talking about I have included a picture.

I just unplugged the printer from the network so now BTPANCM is printing his novel at another printer. I don't know how long I can keep this up. I think I am going to request a move!

Tyse

P people

2006-06-07T08:32:00.000-07:00

If there is one thing that pisses me off more than anything else it would be people that don't have a dollar to their name but want to look and come off as if they're wealthy. Pretentious is the word that comes to mind. If you're unaware of what I am talking about then A. You might be one of these P people or B. You haven't looked hard enough. If you fall into the B category let me help you with some dead giveaways of a pretentious bastard.

1. The biggest and most obvious sign is the car.
There are several models of cars out there that are purely marketed and targeted for P people. The first one that comes to mind is the C230 Mercedes. Here is a link if you don't know what I am talking about:

C230

The C230 is priced from $27,156 - $29,200. There are other C-class models that will cost around $50K but I am only talking about the C230. The only reason to buy the C230 is....You're a pretentious ass! The C230 received a 73 from Consumer Reports which is worse than the 78 from the BMW 3-series, these are not nice cars, they are cheap, stripped down models of the REAL thing. Any logical person would look to the other 10 cars that fall into this price range that are larger, better built, and provide more features standard. The Nissan Maxima, Camry LE, Acura TSX, Honda Accord EX, Infiniti G35. Most of these people really can't afford the 30K price tag but find a way to buy the "cheapest Mercedes available" just so they can say, "I drive a Mercedes". Other Pretentious cars include the BMW 318i, Porsche Boxter, Audi A4, and any other car by a luxury company that starts at $27K.

2. The Handbag
I don't give a shit if it's a real or fake Louis Vuitton. They both piss me off, if you buy a real "Louey" (as P people say) and pay over $1000 for a little piece of leather that has an LV on it. Then you're a total and complete tool! And if you pay money for a fake "Louey" so you can look like a total and complete tool it makes no difference. You're still a fucking idiot! If it's sooooo worth it and you just love the quality and craftsmanship then why do you need a big LV on it? This same rule applies to men, but replace handbag with watch and Louis Vuitton with Rolex.

3. The Ring
I know a lot about diamonds because it took me over 6 months to pick one out. Everyone is very familiar with the 4 C's if not go to www.thediamondbuyingguide.com

The P person will only be concerned with one of the 4 C's and that is CARAT. They don't care about the quality they just want the biggest diamond so they can show it off to all their friends. The only thing worse than an ugly ass big diamond, is a big CZ (cubic zirconia). The thing about the CZ is you could afford a real, smaller diamond but you want to look like you have money and your husband bought you this big rock. How real is your marriage when your ring is fake? I think it would be better to not even have a stone in your ring, just a nice solid band is much better than a fake stone. As long as your not one of those people that has to justify all the time why you don't have a stone. That is so annoying! If you want a ring with no stone then just take your ring and shut the fuck up about it. Nobody is going to say, "where is the diamond?" because they really don't care so stop telling us why you don't have one.

Keep in mind I am not talking about the person that wants to have a nice car and nice stuff. I am just trying to point out there is a huge difference between classy people and P people. P people are trying to live a fantasy and want you to believe they are something they're not. I really don't like to associate with P people, they are not honest and most often very annoying. I work in the IT industry and one of the main reasons why I love working with all these geeks and nerds is because they are the most real, up front, and honest people you will ever meet.

Tyse

Hey Peter you're not actually on the team!

2006-05-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or is every person named Pete or Peter a loud mouth? I have worked with 3 guys named Peter and every one of them is loud as hell. The last Pete I worked with talked so loud on the phone you could hear everything he said, fights with his wife, how his vacation was, and the status of his fantasy football team.(if you know anyone that plays fantasy football, you know it's not a fantasy to them, this shit is real) All topics I could care less about.

To make matters worse they are always in management. So loud mouth phone Pete goes off all day on the phone about his stupid vacation or fantasy football. I used to sit in the cube right next to him so of course I get to hear every word over/through the wall. Then you have 8 ass kissers that work for Pete walking over throughout the day asking about his vacation. So I get to hear about Pete's vacation 10 times a day for an entire week. Then every Monday I get to hear about his stupid fantasy football team, how they did and whatever rank he is in now that his awesome QB scored so many points or whatever. If I ever needed to ask Pete a question I walked around the wall and asked him, after answering he would usually say, “Did you hear about my fantasy football team?” Since I didn’t want to limit my career, because Pete was management, I would usually say, “No” and then I would listen to the same spiel for the 20th time that day. I seriously could finish his sentences but I would have to act shocked and surprised when I heard the highlights of his stories. I usually walked back to my desk feeling like a total tool after a conversation with Pete.

When I left that company I was so happy that I didn't have to hear loud mouth Pete anymore. Well now I work with a new guy named Peter, he is in management, loves every sport there is to love, and is loud as hell! The first few months weren't bad because he never came around my cube but now he has found a new friend that sits right next to me. Every morning while I am trying to drink my coffee and wake up I get to hear topics like this at 80 decibels, "A-rod crushed the ball and won the game for us.", "Wakefield sucks and can't pitch against us", "We killed them, I think we have a shot at going all the way this year." I don't understand why they always refer to "we" or "us" when talking about teams that are located halfway across the country. I think it's a sad false reality they have created for themselves, I bet they still throw paper in the trash can from 15 feet away and say shit like, "Pete for 2!......it's good!!" But before I make assumptions I better find out if they actually play on these teams.

I talked to Peter and verified that he doesn't play for a professional sports team. Dang! I really wanted his autograph. I then asked if he used to play for a college team, you can never get a straight yes or no answer with that question. You will usually get some lame excuse like they got married or they didn't want to play college ball or some stupid ass reason why they were a superstar but things just didn't work out. It's always the guys that suck the most that are die hard sports fans. It's like they want to be good at sports so bad so they think if they know a lot and talk a lot about sports then people will think they're good.

I just want them to shut up about it, just watch the game and shut up. Blog about it, email about it. Play basketball by yourself in the driveway, whatever. Just don't come over here and stand by my cube for 30 mins at 7:30 in the morning and start yapping about some random shit nobody cares about. The guy he is talks to doesn't even care, this is how the typical conversation will go:
Loud mouth Pete: Did you see the game last night?
Guy that can't tell Pete to shut up: What game?
Loud mouth Pete: The Yankee game
Guy that can't tell Pete to shut up: no
Loud mouth Pete: Dude we kicked ass
Guy that can't tell Pete to shut up: oh cool
Loud mouth Pete: A-rod and Johnson (insert random sports crap here)
Guy that can't tell Pete to shut up: oh cool
Loud mouth Pete: Then (some Yankee player) hit a home run!
Guy that can't tell Pete to shut up: oh cool
Loud mouth Pete: Yeah, it was a good game but we killed them.
Guy that can't tell Pete to shut up: cool

After Pete sort of gets the hint that the other guy really doesn't care you will hear this, "Hey Mike, did you catch the game last night" as he is running over to him.

If your name is Pete or Peter and your in management and a crazy sports fan. I just have a few words for you.....SHUT UP!!!

Tyse

Drama is a girl thing!!

2006-05-17T14:20:00.000-07:00

I am very excited for this weekend, I am going on a golf trip to Utah with 20 people. This will be our 5th consecutive year. I know organizing a golf trip with 20 people sounds like quite a task and most people would never even think about trying to set something like this up. There is a lot to plan and take care of: Tee times, collecting the money, condo reservations, restaurant reservations, non-golf activities, sleeping arrangements, golf pairings, communicating updates, and transportation.

I have been doing this for 5 years now, and everything has come together perfectly. We don't have any fights about money or where we are going to eat. Everything just clicks and we have a great time. I know you must be thinking, "how can 20 people spend a weekend together and not have any drama?". Let me give you the answer, NO WOMEN!!

When you're on a trip with 20 guys you will never hear this conversation:
George : Hey Ralph, I paid for your range balls so you owe me five dollars.
Ralph : Well I gave you ten dollars for gas money so can't you just take it out of that?
George : Well if you're driving back with me then I am going to need that gas money.
Ralph : I am going to ride back with Jeremy in his Civic which gets really good gas mileage so he won't over charge me for gas like some people.
George : I don't think he will have room for you and your fat ass in his Civic.
Ralph : I can't believe you just said that to me, we are no longer friends.
George : That is fine, just give me my five dollars!
Ralph : I will once we get back to the condo, I don't have any cash right now.
George : FINE!
Ralph : FINE!
George (whisper, walking away) : bitch
Ralph : (whisper, walking away) : slut

This is how the conversation would actually go:
George : Ralph, I got your range balls so don't worry about them.
Ralph : Cool thanks man, how much do I owe you?
George : Five bucks.
Ralph : Is it cool if I pay you once we get back to the condo?
George : Sure man
Ralph : Thanks

Tyse

It's not a real wall!

2006-05-11T13:29:00.000-07:00

I am so sick of the people that work around me. Why don't they understand everyone can hear everything they are saying. These people remind me of mice in a maze, except the mice would have a larger brain. If they had a full size brain they would realize there are 15 people working within 30 square feet and not talk so loud. If you removed their four little walls I am sure they would freak out and protest or something.

I am just asking they keep their voices down and have some respect for the other 15 people that have to work around them. I can hear everything!!! Phone conversations, fights, arguments, jokes. I can't tune them out, it's like a voice in my head that won't shut up.

The worst part is when one of the mice hears a new joke, and the joke isn't funny at all. They will tell the person sitting next to them and then the next person until they have told the joke 9 times and everyone has already heard the joke but they don't want to admit they overheard the joke before. When they come to my desk I just put on my headphones and turn my back. What is wrong with these people!!!

I also hate it when they talk about you in the next cube and just expect you can't hear them. Here is a typical conversation, "Yeah, good point, we are going to need someone to head up that metric project, I'll check with Tyson and see if he can work on it".
Then about 7 mins later I hear this:
Boss : Hey Tyson what are you up to?
Me: Nothing, just working
Boss : So how was your weekend? How is school? (insert any other bull shit small talk question you boss would ask here)
Me : Fine
Boss : Well I was just thinking last night on my way home from work we have that metric project coming up. I was thinking since you seem to have the best grasp on metrics you would be the perfect one to head that up. What do you think?
Me : I think you're full of shit (ok I didn't say that)
Me really : Ok, that sounds fine. Just let me know when I need to start working on it.
Boss : Great, how about those Suns!!
Me (under my breath) : fag

Do those tiny little walls really make these people feel like they have privacy?

The only thing worse than someone who thinks they have all the privacy in the world within their cubicle is someone who thinks their cubicle is an office. I hate these people!! They always think they are way more important than they are. If you walk into their cube and they are on the phone, this is the response you will hear, "Oh man, can I call you back? Someone just walked into my office" Ok, first of all, I am not just someone, I am Tyson you bitch! Second, you're nobody, and you don't work in an office. These 4 tiny little half walls don't make up an office, they make up a shitty, pile of ass, cube that protects people from realizing how stupid and insignificant they are.

Everyone, please just shut up!!

Tyse

Starbucks.....(good coffee;bad people)

2006-04-11T09:51:00.001-07:00

I am not sure what it was today, or if it was the aggregation of everything going on right now. I just can't take all the bullshit today! I deal with bullshit everyday of my life, that is what I do I guess; deal with people's bullshit. I am usually really good at it and things just roll off me. Today was different, I think it all started when I got in my car and saw that it was 75* at 7:00 AM and I slowly realized I only have a few more weeks until the heat is back. I also think not getting enough sleep last night took it's toll, not as if I get enough sleep in general. However, last night really sucked because I have a huge ECON test today and I am very stressed about it so I couldn't sleep. Traffic sucked on the way to work but I am used to that, it's sort of a given.

Once at work I just wasn't ready for the day so I decide to escape my cubicle farm and get out of the office for a min. While walking over to Starbucks I notice two attractive women also walking over next to me. I didn't think much about them nor did I give them any attention. My mind was too busy thinking about the marginal product of labor in relation to the price ratio. Once in line behind these ladies I notice that everyone in the Starbucks is staring at these women. I thought this was very funny, some people were doing it totally obvious and other were trying to be more sly, glancing over a newspaper every 10 seconds, I thought this was funny and just kept watching. Human behavior is very interesting. You can tell what each of them is thinking just by their expressions. Then I started thinking I have been one of those guys plenty of times. I then thought how dumb I must look when I do that. I was thinking how these guys look like kids in a candy store. The sad part was these girls really were not that good looking. If you took off the makeup and nice clothes I am sure nobody would give them a second glance. I am going to make sure I no longer look like one of those guys, I will notice and attractive women and just move on, I no longer want to be like one of those guys. I could go off on a big tangent here about how fake everything is and how everyone wants to escape reality and chase a fantasy, but that's off the topic.

I get my coffee and now not only am I pissed due to the above mentioned reasons but I realize I've looked like a total dumbass staring at women in public for several years. I walk over to the micro counter to put half and half in my americano, after waiting in line AGAIN to use the micro counter, while I am pouring the cream in my coffee this lady comes up behind me with a tiny, high pitched, squeaky voice and says, "I am just going to squeeze by you here to get a napkin" and in the process hits my coffee and spills it all over. I was so pissed, I turned around and said in my best tiny, high pitched, squeaky voice, "I am an inconsiderate bitch and my time is more important that yours so instead of waiting my turn I am going to get in your way and spill your coffee all over the counter."

Anyone that knows me might be thinking, "I can't see Tyse doing that." Well you're right, I didn't say that. I just said, "it's ok, I will just clean this up, go ahead and go." But in my head I said the previous statement about 5 mins after I left. Maybe I should just go home and try again tomorrow. I really can't see this day turning around anytime soon.

Tyse

Geek Fight!

2006-01-12T08:21:00.000-08:00

I have just overheard one of the best geek conversation fights ever. The work environment here is very open. The cubicle walls are very short and don't absorb any sound so everyone can hear everything. The guy who sits on the other side of the wall from me is our IBM Consultant and is a total geek in every sense of the word. He is such a geek that he pushes the nerd line, if he wasn't an IBM guy I would put him into the nerd category. So everyone in the office sort of thinks this IBM guy is a god or something, so our senior developer, the one everyone used to think was god, had to challenge him to a geek fight.

Let me take a min to try and explain to anyone who hasn't experienced a geek fight in person or been involved in one. There are several issues at play during a geek fight, some are obvious and others are more hidden. The fight usually starts when one geek needs something from the other geek, a bit of info, some data, a report, it can be anything. The engaging geek will then try to give up as little info as possible about what he needs, this is how the geek probes the other geek to see how much he knows. This gives the opposing geek two options, 1. He can admit he needs more info and put himself at a disadvantage 2. He can go around the probe and ramble off other semi-related knowledge, thereby firing back his own probe. If the opposing geek goes with #2 the geek fight is on. If the opposing geek goes with #1 he will usually get a patronizing explanation and no geek fight will take place. After both geeks have launched their probes the fight starts. The object of the fight is to keep probing until you discover the weak spot of your opponents knowledge, then you lecture to them on this weak subject in such a way they really have no response. And thus you have proven your supreme geekness and mastery over the other geek.

It was a quiet morning so I was really able to hear the geek fight take place. I don't remember how it started exactly, I picked it up when they started talking about the speed of light. In order for any geek fight to be classified as an official geek fight there has to be nervous laughs thrown in at the ends of sentences. Here is an example, "well that would disprove Einstein theory....uh,uh,ha,ahaaa"

Now what makes this geek fight the best one I've ever heard is that neither one of the geeks knew what they were talking about, thus ending the geek fight in a stalemate and now the geeks are like best friends. They go to lunch and talk and hang out, I guess this is because they are equally stupid.

Here is some of the notes I took during the fight, as you can see from the quotes they contradict each other quite a bit.
IBM Geek: "Speed of light is the only constant"
Our Geek: "There is no proof that the speed of light is constant"
IBM Geek: "Einstein theory proves it"
Our Geek: "Well there have been new theories that disprove Einstein's theory"
Me in my mind: "How can a theory disprove a theory if it's just a theory?"
IBM Geek: "Well time is constant to the speed of light"
Our Geek: "Time is not constant because of the calendar and there is actually more time in a year than 365 days and they have to adjust it by one day every 1000 years"
IBM Geek: "Yeah, that is because of the math"
IBM Geek: "See math proves everything, and 365 is not divisible by 400 or 500"
I started to lose track of what they were saying because other people were talking but here is a few random phrases I heard and wrote down:
1. Volecular timestamp
2. Faster or slower than its relative speed --"That was from when they were talking about Einstein's theory of relativity, I think"
3. Atomic clock is wrong
4. Speed of light of an approaching object of intense mass
5. Gravitational force of a proton
6. Velocity of reference points.

The next time you hear a geek fight taking place, write it down. It makes for great entertainment later.

Tyse

Miss P

2006-01-12T07:59:00.000-08:00

I am still trying to get a feel for everyone I work with. I have a few people figured out like Miss P, she is your typical middle aged lady who has worked here for 20 years and knows the legacy system better than anyone. I thought I would see if she had a sense of humor and could take a joke because she seemed non-technical. I sent her a very nice email asking her if she could show me how to send email when she gets a min. I then went into detail about how I have never sent email before and am a little confused. Well I really thought Miss P would of came by and made sure I wasn't joking around. This is the advantage of being the "new guy", nobody knows if you're being serious or not. So I sat with Miss P for 15 mins while she went over every detail with Outlook. Most of the conversation went like this:
"This is the send button...It sends the email" Me "I see"
"This is the forward button...It forwards the email to another user" Me "I see"
"This is the reply button...Click it if you want to reply to an email" Me "I see"
She was a very good teacher and I felt too bad to tell her I was just kidding. She then told me to send her some emails to practice. I guess I got in a little over my head.

Tyse

New Job!

2006-01-11T07:50:00.000-08:00

I just started a new job on 1.3.06, everything is going great and I really like it here. I can tell this place is going to have a lot of quirks and funny people that are going to keep me entertained. For example, there are two people that I report to and am confused as to why I need two managers. So I asked, "who do I go to for which questions and why?" The response, "Think of it as a professional sports team, I am the general manager and your other boss is the coach" I'm still confused by this, is this the analogy he uses on everyone? Do I look like I've played on a professional sports team and he thought I could relate? This has to be one of the worst analogies I've heard. I really hope he comes up with a better way to explain it to me. I am starting to think he really doesn't know why there is two managers either.

I am also still considered "The new guy", I love that title, when people see me for the first time I get this exact response, "Oh, you must be the new guy, hi I'm 'whoever'" I am keeping track of introductions that go like this word for word, I am up to 6. The funny thing is the awkward silence after the introduction, in IT people are not good with small talk. The "new guy" thing is usually followed up with another stupid question, "So how do you like it so far?" Just once I would like to say some smart ass response like, "fine, until you came over" or "I hate it actually, I am thinking of quitting after lunch" or "The job is going ok, it's the people that suck" Well I better get back to reading my pile o` documents, people don't know what to do with "the new guy" so they just dump a bunch of documents on my desk and expect me to read them. I am putting a list of questions together from my reading to ask my boss, I am really going to need some help trying to decide if each question is a "general manager" question or one more fitting for the "coach".

Tyse

Signs you're Married to a Scrapbooker Part 2

2005-11-16T21:57:00.000-08:00

1. You realize the only way to communicate with your spouse while she is "peaing" is to IM or send an email. (even if you have to do it on another computer 15 feet away!)
2. The scrapbook studio has now expanded and taken over every spot of free/flat space in your house.
3. There is more random small objects in your vacuum than a .99 cent store.
4. You no longer get excited when FedEx leaves a package because 99% of the time it's not for you.
5. You have accepted the fact that your camera/computer are never going to be good enough.
6. You can't remember what a single piece of white 8.5" X 11" paper looks like.
7. There are more magazines on your coffee table than a dentist's office.
8. You keep asking yourself how a sack full of products can weigh less than 1/2 an ounce and cost over $40.00.
9. The camera flash no longer bothers you.
10. You stop saying to yourself, "what does this go to?" when finding micro objects around the house and just chalk it up to something that fell off a page.
11. When you ask your spouse if she has some glue instead of a yes or no answer she gives you 20 different options for adhesive.
12. You stop all complaints about getting your picture taken and just deal with it.
13. The computer keeps running out of memory/space no matter what you do.
14. When a scrapbook store closes down your wife starts to cry and then gets online for 3 hours to vent her feelings on the message boards.
15. All vacations contain a major detour in order to check out some scrapbook store that is never as good as their LSS. (I hate that I know what LSS means)
16. There is a massive black book on your table that reminds you everyday just how lucky you are to be married to such an amazing scrapbooker!

Tyse

Die!!

2005-10-11T10:14:00.000-07:00

When is Diane Ream going to just die? I am so sick of her voice. I listen to NPR on the way to work every morning. She comes on at 9:00 which is toward the end of my commute. Therefore, I am already pissed off at the traffic in phoenix and I do not need to hear this old lady who sounds like she is about to kick the bucket any second. I think she should of retired about 10 years ago. I wonder how much longer they are going to keep her on the air. I can just see it 20 years from now......"Live from the Springfield assisted living center in Springfield Florida, Diane Ream"...."You are listening to the Diane Ream show I am your host Diane Ream, President Bush IV has put in a new bill to raise gas prices to $55.00 a gallon. We are going to talk about that today"

I hate Diane Ream, she takes about 5 mins to say 2 mins worth of words. I guess as long as she can talk they will have her on the radio. I think she will die on the air, that is my prediction. "How do you feel about that Jerry?....Good....Diane?.....Are you awake?" I can't wait for that day.

Tyse

Short cars and motorcycles

2005-10-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

I have a small request for everyone out there that owns a motorcycle or a freakishly small Mr. Bean car. DON'T PULL ALL THE WAY UP WHEN YOU PARK YOUR CAR!!!! In a city with 6 million people you tend to spend a lot of time driving around parking lots looking for a space. It really pisses me off when I see the empty spot and slam on the gas to grab it before someone else takes it, after almost throwing myself and my wife through the windshield to avoid slamming into a "not so smart car". Why do people drive these cars that look like a clown should be behind the wheel. I understand you get 45 MPG but who really cares if you have to look like a damn idiot doing it? Just do us all a favor and just park so the back of your car lines up to the rest of the normal cars.

Consumer Crap

2005-09-16T12:03:00.000-07:00

I don't understand why we cannot have everything be industrial quality. At my work there is a microwave that sits by my cubie and it's at least 15 years old and gets used by about 15 people everyday. That is a lot of use, and it still works perfect. I know it's and industrial microwave because it says right on it, "Commercial series". So my question is, what makes it commercial and what makes it for home use? It's Kenmore brand so you know they make both commercial and home use microwaves. Do they have two production lines in the factory and there is a supervisor making sure everyone is building equally shitty products and the industrial line is building products that are bulletproof? This really pisses me off!! We should be getting one microwave that will last our entire lives, one coffee maker, one toaster, one blender. But as stupid Americans we just buy these things every 5 years because the other one went out and we don't seem to mind at all. Then the companies keep the same one for 15 years and it gets used about 700% more than ours. These manufacturers really know what they are doing, they have to build one good product and one shitty product in the same plant.

There is several other really good examples, you know those big semi trucks that pull huge trailers and are on the road everyday. Those things go anywhere from 300,000 to 500,000 miles no problem. So the technology is there to build high quality cars. But that would be really stupid for companies because then we wouldn't buy a new car every 5 to 10 years, and our cars wouldn't just fall apart around 120,000 miles.

I am getting so pissed off just thinking about this, everything in my office is built so much better than the shit I have at home. But I can't do anything about it, so I will just keep going along buying shitty products!!!

Wife out of town.

2005-08-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

My wife and I just took a vacation to Salt Lake City. She left on Thursday night and I was to join her in SLC on Saturday night. Therefore, I had two nights to do whatever I wanted. Being 26 and in a new city with tons of stuff to do I had a lot of options. Festivals, university events, baseball games, golf, shopping, hang out at Best Buy and geek out over all the new stuff. So what did I end up doing? Happy Hour and the couch! I wanted to do other stuff but I just love Happy Hour, it's the best thing ever.

I end up at Buffalo Wild Wings in Gilbert for Happy Hour. I am a total cheap ass so I get two appetizers for dinner which ran around $5.00. I've been on this English/Irish beer thing as of late, so I order a black and tan. I remember sitting there thinking how great this was that I was having awesome beer and good food for cheap. Then I notice something very strange, the bartender is serving pint after pint of Miller lite. I hate Miller Lite, it's by far the worst beer on earth, plus Nick Lachey drinks it!! In SLC everyone drinks Bud Light and I never see that many people drinking Miller Lite unless they are gay or something.

I start watching the Diamond Backs game on TV and continue to monitor the massive Miller Lite consumption out of the corner of my eye. I finish my second black and tan and move onto the IPA. Happy Hour came to a close and beer was now full price. I ordered another IPA and was thinking the Miller Lite orgy should stop now that happy hour is over and the beer is full price.

I switch to Guinness and the Miller Lite keg is now blown and the bartender has to switch it out. I am almost banging my head on the bar trying to understand how so many people can be drinking this shitty beer. I order another Guinness and start thinking about my tab:
$5.00 food
3 IPA's
2 Black and Tan
2 Guinness
"I'm going to spend 30.00, shit!!"
I finish my second Guinness and now that I'm a little drunk I ask the bartender what the hell is going on with Miller Lite, "it's our beer of the month and it's only 2.00 for a 25 oz glass all month long" as she points to this huge ass banner hanging from the ceiling that I failed to notice. Then I say, "Hey bartender, can I get a Miller Lite."

I love beer, but I love money more!!

Tyse

Dharma and Greg Re-runs

2005-08-03T21:10:00.000-07:00

I have grown up with re-runs my entire life: Sienfeld, Friends, I Love Lucy, Sex in the City, Simpsons. I loved these shows and often times loved the re-runs because it gave me a chance to see my favorite shows again. AGAIN is the key word here, most shows that go into re-runs are really great shows so everyone will watch them again and again. This brings me to the point of this writing.....Dharma and Greg!! If you don't know what Dharma and Greg is you have totally just proven my entire point and can stop reading this right now. The show is so effing dumb, I can't even watch it for more than 5 mins. Why the hell is it in re-runs? Obviously someone at the network realized it was totally stupid and took it off the air but why did they think it would be good on re-runs? Who watched this show in the first place? I never heard anyone say, "did you catch the new Dharma and Greg last night?" I don't even know when it was on, I never even heard of it until it was in re-runs. The entire premise is based on stereotypes and it's so not funny. I guess I can't be too critical since I can only watch the show in 5 min intervals, after 5 mins I get so pissed off at how stupid the show is and I just want to punch Dharma in the face so bad. Greg graduated from some ivy league law school and is some hot shot lawyer but when it comes to his wife he just seems to be the biggest pussy on the planet and a total idiot. If someone out there actually likes this show, you need to take a long hard look at your life and try to pinpoint the exact point at which you became a total loser.

Signs you are married to a scrapbooker.

2005-07-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

1. The camera is the most expensive piece of electronic equipment in your house.

2. You know Heidi Swapp isn't a porn star.

3. In one month you spend more money on stamps than water.

4. When you ask your wife what she is doing and she says, "peaing" you know she isn't
in the bathroom

5. The camera is now your purse and you don't leave home without it.

6. You are aware that Making Memories isn't a verb.

7. Somehow, beyond you control, .25 cents for one piece of paper is a good deal.

8. you know a BOS isn't somebody you work for.

9. "Effer" is now part of your everyday vocabulary and somehow calling someone an effer is no longer offensive.

10. Scrap booking has taken over an entire room in your house.

11. When your wife says she was in the pub the other day, you know she didn't have any beer or fish `n chips.

12. When you wife says she is going to a crop you know she isn't talking about farming.

13. Your wife says she wants to go to CKU and you don't say, "Honey, you just graduated, why do you want to go back so soon?"

14. There is a direct corelation between the amount of time your wife is in the scrapbook store and the damage done to your checking account.

15. Your wife has a fishing tackle box but has never been fishing.

More to come when I think of them.

Tyse

Spell check

2005-07-25T10:56:00.000-07:00

Has anyone else noticed this blogger.com thing has the worst spell checker ever? It's like from Mexico or something, it asks me to fix words I didn't type, Like it highlights "didn't" and then suggests some words in Spanish or something. I wonder if they spent too much money on blog hosting space and had to cut costs on the spellchecker so they picked one up from Mexico for 10 pesos.

Update----
I just ran spell check on this entry, it found "spellchecker" as an error and then suggested "splices", the spellchecker doesn't even know it exists, I think this is to prevent A.I.

The second error was "blog", now this is really funny, the blogger spellchecker thinks blog is an error, I would expect Word to pick up blog, but the blogger spellchecker? Then it suggested BLOC as a fix, I dont' know what bloc is or means, but I've never used it, maybe it's another languauge.

Note to Blogger.com webmaster: "Could we invest another 25.00 into a better spellchecker? Maybe one that knows blog might be used when putting in an entry on your BLOG!?

Tyse

Tips

2005-07-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

Why the hell does everyone in this county think they need a tip for doing their job? I am so sick of tipping everyone for doing what they are getting paid to do. Pizza guy, waitress, cab driver, skycap, valet, bellman, bar tender, massage therapist, paper boy, milk man, beautician, coffee shop server, card dealer. Every time I see that stupid tip line on my credit card receipt it pisses me off, just sitting there above the total line so you have to look at it, you try to ignore it, but it’s still there just looking up at you saying, “Don’t look away punk! You know I’m here, put the amount down loser”. I now have a new trick for the tip line, it’s called, “hand over tip line trick.” This is how it works, when you get your receipt and you see the tip line, put your hand over both the tip line and total line and just sign at the bottom acting like you never saw the tip line because you were using your hand to hold the paper. However, if you get a really crazy tip demanding person, they will say, “oh sir, you forgot to put in the total”, in which you can reply, “oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t even see it.” This is usually when the voice in my head says, “stupid tip demanding person, taking all my money for doing a crappy job, I hate you and your tip line, burn in hell!!” Then I put down the $1.00 tip and walk away.

Why the hell do I have to feel guilty for not giving them a tip? Tips used to be rare, unexpected, if you thought someone went well out of their way to help you then you could show them some gratitude with a tip. But now it’s just expected you have to tip them for doing a normal job, if they do a bad job then you can punish them with only a 10% tip. WHAT THE HELL!!! They did a shitty job so I am going to show them, HA! Take that you shitty waiter; you are only getting 10%. You are still paying the guy 10% bonus for doing a crappy job!!! That is so screwed up!

I work in an office, 9-5 normal job. I would love to just take naps during work, come late, leave early, miss work, and only do half my job. Then have my boss sit down and say, “Well since you have been slacking off, we are only going to give you a 10% bonus instead of 15% or 20%.” Then you have that damn tip jar, everybody has a tip jar. The other day I went to a pizza place to pick up my carryout pizza order and by the register was a tip jar, so I think to myself, “the reason why people come to pick up their pizza is because they don’t want to pay a tip.” So I asked the guy, “why do you have a tip jar?” he says, “well it’s for anyone who thinks we are doing a good job” Then I said, “well I think I do a good job at my work and nobody gives me a tip? And he says, “well do you have a tip jar?” I just sort of sat there for a minute, I didn’t have a tip jar, what was I going to say to the guy? So I just said, “good point”, took my pizza and left.

Now there is a tip jar sitting on my desk next to the entry way to my cubical so everyone can see it, it’s empty, but I think someday I will get some tips in there. Maybe I am not doing a good enough job at my work? Maybe I would have a tip if I didn’t just spend thirty minutes typing
this up at work?

2005-07-19T21:45:00.000-07:00

Arizona Beauty

Recycle bin??

2005-07-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

I have a question, can you recycle your recycle bin? At my work I have this old blue plastic can that says "We Recycle" on it. I've been putting my feet on it and now it's all cracked and I need a new one. In order for me to get a new can I have to get rid of this old one. Then the cleaning crew will come by and see I don't have a recycle can and drop off a brand new one.

Here is the problem, what do I do with the old one? If it was a garbage can I would put it in the garbage, but it's a recycle can, so does it go in the larger recycle bin? I am not sure, I think it can be recycled but I'm not sure, I looked on the approved list of items that can be recycled and recycle bins wasn't on the list. Plastic things are on the list, rubber things are on the list, the can is sort of plastic and sort of rubber. Hmmmm so confused.

Tyse

2005-07-14T21:02:00.000-07:00

Erin, Me, Justin, Meghan in our new kitchen

2005-07-14T21:01:00.001-07:00

My acceptence letter into the Carey School

2005-07-14T21:01:00.000-07:00

Our House

WOW!! Jalapenos, you are tough!!!

2005-07-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

I am done with jalapenos, I used to love these things. Last night I ordered a pizza with jalapenos on it, when the pizza came out it was just covered with jalapenos. Now a normal person or lets just say a women that doesn't have a huge ego to protect would pick off the excess jalapenos and not think twice about it. However, this type of logic doesn't exist in the brain of Tyse or any man for that matter, well at least any straight man. There I am, sitting down, looking at this pile o` jalapenos thinking of what to do. There are people all around, I cannot let them see me pick off these jalapenos, I must eat them all so I don't look like a pussy.

Now this is the part I don't understand, when did our society take a wrong turn and suddenly eating jalapenos means you are tough or something. How did this connection get started? I can just see a bunch of big guys sitting around a table eating nachos and acting tough, "Damn! Bob, that is 5 jalapenos for you, you are crazy, how much can you bench?" or "Hey sir, my mom is stuck under a car, I saw you take down 15 jalapenos over there, can you help her out?"

So I eat every damn jalapeno on my plate, I live in PHX, it was 115' yesterday. I am sitting at a booth in this pizza place with sweat rolling down my face and trying not to think about the fire that has taken over my mouth, it really burned. I am sure everyone in the restaurant was looking at me because I was sweating like a Mexican crossing the border with 6 kilo's in his trunk. I get up, wipe my face off, walk out to my car and start sweating again, I sit in my car and think, "why the hell didn't you just pick off those jalapenos you stupid idiot"

As of today I am no longer eating excess jalapenos to look tough, I have come to this conclusion after an entire night of heartburn and 4 trips to the bathroom today, 3 to shit, and 1 to rub bag balm on my anus due to the combination of hot fire jalapenos shooting out my ass and the rawness of wiping 36 times.

Tyse

ASU and the circle of hope.

2005-07-05T13:02:00.000-07:00

I just got accepted to ASU's Tech MBA program on Friday July 1st. Classes start on Aug. 23rd which is a very short amount of time to get everything in order before classes start. The school tells me they will send out everything I need to know in my acceptance packet. I realize they have my old Utah address on file and I need to update this with my new AZ address. This is where all the fun began, I call the Tech MBA student services director to change my address and this is a step by step document of what happened as I can remember it:

SSD:ASU Student Services
Tyson: Hi, This is Tyson ******, I need to change my address
SSD:Are you a student here?
Tyson: I just got accepted.
SSD:Well congratulations Tyson, everything you need to know will be sent out in your acceptance packet, anything else?
Tyson: Wait, wait, that is why I need to change my address so I get the acceptance packet at the right address.
SSD: Oh, well I will look you up in the system and send you the instructions on how to change your address by email, Ok, thanks, bye.
Tyson:Wait, wait,
Dead air

So I wait for 10 mins and no email.

SSD: ASU Student Services
Tyson: Hi, it's Tyson again, I never got your email.
SSD: Well I sent it 5 mins ago.
Tyson: I Know, before you got off the phone I wanted to tell you the email address you have on file is no longer working since I don't live in Utah anymore.
SSD:Oh, well do you have a new email?
Tyson: Yes, it's ******@gmail.com
SSD:Ok, I will send that out ASAP.
Tyson: Thanks Bye.

I get the email and follow the directions.
It asks me for a ASURITE ID, I have no idea what that is.

SSD:ASU Student Services
Tyson: Hi, me again.
SSD: Hi
Tyson: This is asking me for a ASURITE ID, what is that?
SSD: Well you should of gotten an email from us with that info.
Tyson: I know, I don't have access to my old email because I moved from Utah and my ISP closed my account and I lost all my email.
SSD: Well we can't send out ASURITE ID's over the phone, I can send another copy to your email address on file.
Tyson: The email you have on file is wrong.
SSD: Well you will have to call the helpdesk then on the website.
Tyson: Ok thanks, bye.

HelpDesk:ASU Helpdesk, how can I help you.
Tyson: Hi, I am trying to access your website but it keeps asking me for a ASURITE ID and I dont' have that.
HelpDesk: Well you should of gotten that in an email
Tyson: I know, I don't have access to it anymore, can you just give me my ASURITE ID.
HelpDesk: You will have to get it from the registar
Tyson: Ok
HelpDesk: I will transfer you

Registar: Registar office how can I help you?
Tyson: Hi, I need to get my ASURITE ID so I can change my address and email address because I moved here from Utah and I cannot get into my email and my packet is getting sent out and I dont' want it going to the wrong address. So can you please just give me my ASURITE ID so I can take care of this?
Registar: Well are you a student here?
Tyson: Not yet, I just got accepted
Registar: Well when admissions puts your data into the computer it should generate an ASURITE ID and email it to you, Did you get the email?
Tyson: Is this a joke?
Registar:What do you mean?
Tyson: Nevermind, I didn't get the email because I don't have access to the email you have on file, I need to get my ASURITE ID to change my email address so I can change my physical address. Can you please just give it to me??
Registar: Well let me see if you are in the system, do you have your 9 digit ASU number?
Tyson: No, and please don't tell me it was in the stupid email.
Registar: Ok, I can see you are upset sir, but it was in the email. Let me just look it up by your last name.........silence...............
{after long awkward pause}
Tyson: Do you need my last name?
Registar:Yes
Tyson: It's ******
Registar: Oh, here you are, I see you have been accepted and looks like things are moving right along.
Tyson: Ok, does it show you my ASURITE ID?
Registar: Yes, I can see it right here.
Tyson: Ok, what is it?
Registar: Well we cannot give out this information over the phone, you will have to call admissions, here I will transfer you.

Admissions: ASU admissions office, how can I help you?
Tyson: Hi, can you give me my ASURITE ID or do you have to transfer me?
Admissions: Well that depends
Tyson: On what?
Admissions: Sir, how can I help you?
Tyson: I need to change my address so I can get the acceptance packet you are going to mail out.
Admissions: You have to change your address online, we cannot do that here.
Tyson: I was trying to do it online but it's asking me for a ASURITE ID
Admissions: Well you should of received an email from us with your id.
Tyson: I don't believe in email and I've never had an email address and I hope to never get one.
Admissions: Well then the only other choice is to post mail it.
Tyson: That would be great, do you want my new address?
Admissions: You have to change your address online......oh....(I can see the light bulb go on in her head)....I See your problem now.
Tyson: Well that is nice.
Admissions: Well there is all these rules about changing student data, do you have access to a fax?
Tyson: Yes
Admissions: Fax me a request to send out your ASURITE ID, with photo ID and Signature and I will Fax back your ASURITE ID.
Tyson: Great, thanks,

I am in complete shock as to why this was so hard, I know ASU has a rep for being a party school but maybe somebody should just lay off the drugs for a min so I can get my address changed.

Tyse

Subway Bullshit

2005-06-28T13:37:00.000-07:00

I've been going to Subway A LOT over these last few weeks to try and lose some weight.

I guess you could say I'm trying out the Jared diet. My coworker always calls me Jared because Subway is the only place I want to eat.

I now know the entire Jared story is BULLSHIT!! He didn't really eat there everyday, I know this because I only eat there like 3 times a week if that and I am so fucking sick of the food I could choke. Anyone that ate there everyday for 6 months would be insane. You can only do so much with meat and bread, after about 3 weeks you run out of ideas, then you just sort of stop caring what you eat. I now just tell them to surprise me, "you chose, it's all the same shit to me" is what I say when asked for my order.

The other thing that pisses me off about Subway is the people that think it's healthy no matter what. You always see the 350 pound man in line before you with a footlong meatball sandwich which has just as much fat as a Big Mac. (See Below) Then when the guy asks if he wants mayo the 350 pound dude says, "no, no, no mayo, I'm doing the Jared thing" Hello dumbass, you are going to throw down 1000 Cal/44 g of fat and you think mayo is going to make a damn bit of difference?

FOR 6" >Meat Ball marinara >(500 Cal/22 g fat/5 g fiber/52 g carbs) 11 > WW points

Big Mac >(580 Cal/33 g fat/3 g fiber/47 g carbs) 14 WW points

Now the next big thing is the toasted sub, this is the best idea Subway has come up with for a long time. The toasted sub solves two problems for Subway:

1. They are keeping up with competition and not letting Quizno's get anymore market share. Sort of like how Microsoft comes out with everything MAC has had for years. We are going to get XP 64bit edition, Sweet!! MAC has had 64bit since OSX first came out. Funny how marketing rules your life, outdated technology is forced on all of us just because Microsoft has a far better marketing plan than MAC or anyone else.

2. The main complaint about Subway is their bread is so stale and dried out on the ends, it seems like you are biting into a rock at the end of the sandwich. Now that you can get your sub toasted the dried out bread is consistent throughout the entire sandwich.

Great job subway!!! Keep up the great work.

Tyse

Ok, It's hot, I got it. Enough already.

2005-06-23T15:43:00.000-07:00

My wife and I just moved to Phoenix about 2 weeks ago. We've been planning on moving here for over 1 year so it's nice to finally be here. I am just so sick of everyone telling me how hot it is. People who never lived in Phoenix will tell you how hot it is. This is a typical convo. between me and anyone from Utah:
Me: So I'm moving to Phoenix next month
Utahn: Serious?
Me: Yeah, I've been telling you for over a year now
Utahn: Man, good luck in the valley of fire, do you know how hot it is there?
Me: No, I don't know, but you must be an expert so tell me about it.
Utahn: Well 29 years ago when I was driving from somewhere to somewhere else we stopped in Phoenix and it was so damn hot, I could never live there.
Me: Well I will let you know how it goes.

So now that I am here, I am letting everyone know how it is:

IT's NOT THAT BAD!!!!

Lets take a look at the average temps in Phoenix vs Salt Lake City
here is the link to get all the info
http://www.worldclimate.com/cgi-bin/data.pl?ref=N33W112+1300+028112C

Phoenix has an average max temp. from a high of 102.4 and a low of 65.7 range = 36.7

Lets look at Utah:
http://www.worldclimate.com/cgi-bin/data.pl?ref=N40W111+1300+427598C

Utah has an average max temp. from a high of 92.1 and a low of 36.3 range = 55.8

So we can see that Utah's average temp is only 10 degrees cooler than Phoenix and Utah has a much higher range in temps.

There is a reason why you have 5 million people in Phoenix and less than 2 in SLC. I am just so sick of everyone telling me how hot it is here and how I am crazy for moving down here when they have never been here. I go from my a/c house to my a/c car to my a/c work. I am in the heat maybe 5 mins a day. Not a big deal. And it might be 109 here, but it's 95 in SLC. Tell me one reason why 95 is so much better than 109? You are still doing the same thing.....nothing. Both are way to hot to do anything outside. I just can't wait for everyone to come here in December when they are sick of the snow and need a nice place to stay. I will tell them, "you don't want to come here, it's too hot remember?"

T

Phoenix Drivers

2005-06-17T13:43:00.000-07:00

I have a question for all the drivers in PHX.
How many car accidents do you have to see before you stop slowing down to 10 MPH to stare at them?
I just moved here from SLC and the traffic is very, very, bad.
Everyday there is at least 2 or 3 car wrecks on the freeways.
So you will be going along nicely on the freeway and then everything stops and goes slow for 5 miles. When you get up to the root of the problem there is 2 or 3 cars pulled off the side of the road and maybe a cop is there. Everyone in all 5 lanes needs to stop and watch. I understand this, I used to do it myself, but every single day there is a car wreck, how long is it going to take before people become desensitized to it? There is certain things in our society that are bad to become desensitized to, crime, sex, murder. But car wrecks should be everyone's number 1 priority to become desensitized to, I have done it, and I am proud to say I am no longer fascinated by a car wreck. I wonder what goes through these people's mind? "Wow, blue and red flashing lights those are amazing!", "Wow I wonder how much it's going to cost to fix that”, “A car wreck!! Honey slow down, slow down", "Oh my god, there is a car wreck up there, I haven't seen one of those since yesterday" I mean it's like a dog coming to eat his food, he has had the same meal for the last 7 years and he is still so happy and excited to eat it.
Everyone would just get home a lot faster if we didn't have to wait for everyone to look at the car wreck. If you think about it you should be ashamed of yourself for looking, you are getting pleasure out of seeing someone else in pain or misery, thinking to yourself, "man, I’m glad that isn't me" That is a messed up feeling, you should just concentrate on the road and get your ass home.

Britney and Kevin chaotic Crap!!!!

2005-06-06T10:15:00.000-07:00

I'm so very sorry to admit that I watched this pile of shit show the other night with my wife. Usually my wife loves any type of reality show but she hated this show as well. It's really, really, lame. The show keeps moving back and forth between interviews with Britney and footage of their lame lives. Unlike the Jessica Simpson show where it's just footage from their lives the entire time. I am sure the reason for interviewing Britney instead of just showing footage is because the footage they do show you SUCKS!! It's not entertaining at all and Britney is so fucking stupid I can't even watch her. I was begging Meghan (My HOT ASS WIFE) to change the station, but she kept saying it would get better. By the end of the episode we just looked at each other and couldn't believe that show was on TV. Britney really isn't all that fine, when she doesn't have her picture air brushed to hell she looks like ass. And the southern twang ass voice drives me nuts.

I really don't have anything bad to say about the Kevin guy, I'm glad to see that a loser deadbeat dad backup dancer can get with Britney. It just shows how stupid Britney really is, Kevin is just loving life and in the show he keeps talking about love and asking if Britney is in love with him and all this other shit. But who wouldn't be trying to get a girl worth that much money to try and fall in love with you? I think Britney even bought herself the engagement ring, that is so funny. I think you are supposed to spend 3 months salary, Kevin was like, "Yo, Yo, Brit, I only gotz you this here ring, for 1,000 and that is 3 months salary for me dawg"

I hate Britney
I hate stupid TV shows
I hate that I watched that show, I feel like I need to shower now.
I hate stupid un-talented people from the south that become rich.

Tyse

New Techie Joke

2005-06-06T09:58:00.000-07:00

When I first started working in the IT industry it took a long time to adjust my sense of humor to understand these people. For example, I was in a meeting and one of the programmers said some stupid comment that I don't remember right now. The entire room was on the floor laughing, except me. I was really confused and didn't understand what was so funny, I understood the comment, I understood the irony, but I didn't understand why it was so funny. Later in the meeting I remember making some funny comment, it was really funny and I remember being proud of myself for making it. I was laughing really hard because it was funny!! I then look up and 12 other people are staring at me like I am so stupid and that was the dumbest comment ever. Confused by all this I get back to my desk and call a few non-techie friends and explain the funny comment I made, they all thought it was very funny.

So now when I am in those meetings and someone makes a joke I laugh just as hard as the rest, my sense of humor has changed and now I am afraid that I have a techie sense of humor and have lost any hope at getting back to a normal sense of humor now that I've been in IT for 3 years.

Here is the perfect example of what I am talking about.
In SLC it's raining very hard today, so Roger comes over to my desk and says, "Tyse, I'm so glad I'm not a horse right now" Oh why is that Roger? "Because then my coat would get all wet"
Then Roger starts laughing so hard his body starts going into convolutions, then I start laughing as well and in the back of my mind I'm very upset with myself for thinking that was funny.

I will get a picture of Roger one day I hope. He is your total stereotypical programmer.

More techie jokes to come when I hear them.

Tyse

Rob/Bob

2005-06-01T13:42:00.000-07:00

I forgot all about rob/bob but when I was thinking about crazy people at my work I could write about I thought of him.
He was laid off so I can write about him now and have no worries.

When I first started working here in November I met Bob, he was a really weird guy, but every Cobol programmer is really weird so I didn’t' think much of it. So Bob and I work together on a few projects and everything is going well. The holidays come and everyone is taking time off from work or they are only here for 2 hours a day. Since Bob and I were contractors we didn't get paid unless we were at work. AT WORK are the key words here; lets just say Bob and I have very low scores on Minesweeper.

The holidays come to a close and I find myself in a meeting with Bob, the host of the meeting calls on Bob for a response. Bob says, "I've made some changes in my life as part of the new year and I am going by Rob now, please call me Rob from now on" Everyone in the meeting totally thinks he is kidding because who would change their name at age 50 and Bob or Rob was a Cobol programmer and you never take a Cobol programmer serious. So half the people take him serious and the other half think he is kidding. This same ratio spreads throughout the entire office and before long you have 500 IT employees all calling Bob Rob or Rob Bob. He even put a piece of tape over the B on nameplate with an R until he got a new nametag for his cubical. The email system was screwed up too; rob/bob wouldn't show up to meetings because people were sending the meetings to his old account instead of the new account. He had the perfect excuse for not doing any work, every time anyone would ask if he got their email he would say, "Well what account did you send it to?....well that is the wrong account, it's Rob now" It was total office chaos and it didn't go away for at least a year, everyone would refer to him as RobBob. Here is a typical conversation between a manager and I:

Manager: Tyse
Me: Yes
Manager: Do you have that work order done?
Me: Yes, I gave it back to Rob last week.
Manager: Who is Rob?
Me: You know, RobBob
Manager: Oh yeah, RobBob, Who the hell changes their name when they are 50 anyway?

It was so damn funny.

Then RobBob gets in a major accident coming back from Wendover one weekend on his motorcycle. His girlfriend dies in the accident and everyone is feeling very bad for RobBob, the news spreads across the office and the managers send out an email letting everyone know, (They had to CC both of RobBob's email accounts) The managers start to distribute RobBob's work to the other programmers because he wasn't going to be back to work for at least a few weeks if at all.

The accident happened on a Saturday afternoon, the news got to the office on Monday. Well at about 9:00 Tuesday morning guess who shows up to work? RobBob, he has all sorts of bandages all over his body, he left hand is in a cast, he has crutches and is jacked up on pain pills, he looks like total shit. (His hand was in a cast, what the hell did he think he was going to get done? If your a programmer and your hand is immobile what work are you going to get done?) Everyone is freaking out, "what the hell are you doing here Bob!!...O...I mean Rob?" RobBob says, "I'm ok, just a few scratches" The guy only missed one day of work after having a major motorcycle accident on the freeway going 75 MPH and losing his girlfriend. After a few months I asked RobBob what he was thinking coming in after the accident, this was his reply:

"I'm a contractor, I don't get paid unless I come in"

You got to love working in IT

Tyse

80's Girl update

2005-06-01T13:33:00.000-07:00

80's Girl is really staring to piss me off.
I've been trying to get an update on 80's girl's outfits however, it's been cold the last few days so she is wearing the same denim jacket with red and yellow letters embroidered on the back so I cannot see what her outfits look like.

Other IT characters I will be writing about in the future:
Pedophile Jim
Hop-a-long
rob/bob
Sharons
Espinomi
Kim clarke
lady elaine

Fast cars really impress me!!

2005-05-27T12:04:00.000-07:00

I own an Acura TL, it has a V6 however, it's not a fast car. I am fine with that I don't want a fast car. I must be the only one that knows this isn't a fast car becasue everytime I pull up next to a Honda Civic with a 5 foot fin the driver thinks he needs to race me. Having a V6 and therefore not getting the best MPG. I refuse to race these people it would cost me like 4 bucks in gas everytime. This is why I drive as slow as I can, to save money on gas.

I now have a new approach in these situations. I place my car in the park position and rev up the engine when I am next to one of these rice rockets. Then the other driver replicates and then the light turns green. The rice rocket burns out of there and leaves me in the pleasant smell of exhaust giving me great satisfaction knowing I cost him $2.00 in gas!! I then shift from park and go about my mery way.

Tyse

St. Elmo's Fire

2005-05-27T11:15:00.000-07:00

I watched this movie the other day, St. Elmo's Fire, I've wanted to see it for a very long time. People have told me my entire life how great of a show it is and how it's got so many stars. So I watch it and here is my conclusion:
IT FUCKING SUCKS!!!
This is by far the worst movie ever made.
It's no wonder half the cast never worked again.
The acting if total shit.
The plot was......oh wait there wasn't a plot.
If anyone liked this movie I highly suggest watching it again now that you are not 12 and can actually tell a decent film from a pile of ass.
If my kid needs to be punished I am going to make him watch this movie 3 times back to back.
Instead of everyone getting all upset about the people in Guantanamo Bay they should just make these people watch St. Elmo's Fire and by the end of the movie the Bush admin. will have everything they need to know, and stupid human rights protesters will have nothing to complain about.

Tyse

80's Girl

2005-05-27T09:59:00.000-07:00

I've worked in an IT department for 3 years now. When I first started working here I was totally shocked by 80's girl. I call her 80's girl because she dresses total 80's. It's like a flash back everyday that I see her. Before I move to AZ I am going to get a picture of 80's girl so everyone will know what I am talking about. Here is a quick description of the typical dress of 80's girl:
Short permed brown hair usually in a banana clip
Acid washed jeans about 4 out of 5 days a week.
Sturrip pants are no stranger to 80's girl
Sleveless denim vests
Denim overalls
Flat shoes
Black and white poka-dot silk shirts

I'll update with more outfits as I see them.

Tyse